Kill kill kill

kill kill kill



this blog.





I've killed this blog, resurructed it, and now i'm killing it again. for good this time.



I thought this was my place to hide, to cry.



But it's a place where i've turned myself into something....i don't even know.



So here ends http://www.victorissonotyoula.blogspot.com/. 5th November 2008









pssstt....go to http://www.theworldaintemo.blogspot.com/ teehee

So i was blind, but a blind man still can feel too.

I've been fighting with the notion of picking up my cell and making a call.

But heck, i'd probably be left talking to the phone operator who would connect me to voicemail.

'Sorry, the number you have dialed is currently not available,at the term, please leave a message after the beep. *beep*'

No, i don't think i'll call. If i have to talk, it'll be face-to-face.

and this would be a great time to sing that song...

'when will i see you again?'

pain spelled backwards gives you regret.

still hurts la. Just wondering how much longer do i have to take this?

until things work out? or until i forget?

EDIT 10.59 pm.

If i hadn't fall for you,
we'd probably still be laughing together at lame jokes right?

If i hadn't fall for you,
i could probably still look at you with innocent eyes.

If i hadn't fall for you,
none of this would have happened right?

If i hadn't fall for you,
i wouldn't be here typing this, no?

I remember during that time i could only look at the back of you, walking away. Now, i only have pictures to look at. How much pathethic can i be?

I wonder what happened to all the promises and plans we made.

Oh well, technically we're all adults now. You go your way, i'll follow mine. It's not that i hate you or anything, but i guess it'll be better for me...and you.

though this might turn out to be quite a pain.....





if only i could give a proper farewell.....

Minced heart,mashed feelings. Wonderful recipe.

If you think falling asleep is hard, you should try waking up.

Kinda sucks to be me now. Well, maybe not. I don't know. I keep thinking about that day, with a lot of should-have-been scenarios running through my head. It's like giving yourself a mental kick in the brain, like, how stupid can i get? Dammit, the distance was so close, closer than usual. And i was fidgeting like a tit-mouse. Heck, i couldn't even squeek, let alone talk.

Ergh.

Fine fine, excuses. don't need to remind me.

I remembered, not too long ago, i told myself i wouldn't regret my decision. I chose to let it end this way.

Smirk, you bastards from above, i'm eating my words now.

Sigh, i can't concentrate, i can't study. What am i supposed to do now? This is worse than before. I need....to talk.

Emo queen ar emo queen, where are you when i need you most?

Oh well, at least some small joys:

1)officially Taylor-ian now. Screw CHS.
2) my bottom braces have been removed. =) god, nearly forgotten how it felt like without braces.

What have i done?

I opened my eyes. I closed them in an instance.

I don't want to wake up, i don't want to feel.

If it were any possible, i think this sense of loss is eating me inside-out.

So this is what it feels like to wake up with Regret on your mind.

Whatever happened to 'Good Morning'?

the countdown ends.

So, the play of childhood has finally come to an end, the curtains fall down and we all take a bow.

Hard to believe is it? I can.

Leaving school wasn't really that hard, in fact, it seemed so...well, normal to me. It's those whom i'm leaving behind and might never see again that's choking me up. Those i love and cherish but never had the chance to express myself. I'll miss all of you, believe me.

I only carry two regrets.

1)No,i did not do it. Yeap,i just ran away, something i'm good at. I did not even say a proper goodbye. So this is me. Sigh. I rather feel physical pain than this. No point saying sorry now, the countdown was redundant. I'm still suffering and i did not make things right. Loser=me.

If only i'd listen to Gabby, Elle or Wei Ren, things might've turned out differently. =(

I still remember so well, that last year, around this time, we were playing that stupid charade game. Haha. Dang, i was good at it, was i not? Oh, and i remembered that Hallo'ween Night. Haha. Good times.

Oh wait, today's Hallo'ween. Minus the celebration. Oh well.

2) Of all my 5 years in CHS, i have never tried our canteen's Chee Cheong Fun. I kid you not.

Words can't express what i'm feeling now. All i know is, it's not something good. But what's done is done. I can only hope the ones i offended will remember me for the good times, if there were any.

so my story ended just like how i predicted, but not the way i wanted it to be.

I did not cry in school, not even close.

so i brought it back home.

EDIT. 11.19pm.

I thought i could lie to myself, convince myself that i'm ok with it.
It was so terribly hard for me. They were just there, dammit, just a goddamn row in front of me. I couldn't even bring myself to be in class, just because they were there. I chose to hide. Fuck. I really hate myself for this. Now, i think i'll wake up every morning, thinking about today.

All this cooked-up drama marinated by myself. And i kept bragging i could cook well.
Fuck this shit.
If someone,anyone, could come up to me now and start whooping me senseless, oh yeah, i'd enjoy that.

I.Need.To.Rip.Something.

So it turns back to me and gnaws my big flabby ass.

I really don't know whether i should cry or laugh out loud.

I'll settle for both.

These 5 months....approx 150 days, was a living nightmare. A dark void i moulded myself and so blindly drowned in it. I was...well, stupid i guess. No, more than stupid. heh.

Elle was right. Gabby was right. I was wrong, all along, as usual. Why does it take only a few seconds to fall asleep but an eternity to wake up?

No, it's not that i can't, it's not that i won't, but i really can't walk up and say sorry, even if you shower me with all your forgiveness. I hate myself for this. Perhaps i'm wallowing in self-pity, i don't know, but i can't face any of you, after all this. Yea, you could say i'm ashamed of myself.

Yes, coward i am. They say running away is just delaying the problem. Nope, to me, running away is an option. A dumb one, but still a valid option.

Sigh.

True, i probably should've just sucked it up like a man, but i'm a boy. heh.

Still, it was a great pleasure knowing you. It really was. sorry for all the shit you had to take from me. Sorry for all the wrongs i've done. And sorry for not saying sorry earlier than i should have.

I was never to begin with, a good friend. Everyone would do so much better without me.

Tomorrow is graduation. So we can all stop being kids and start acting like the adults we should be. So ends the chapter of childhood. Yeah, memories and regrets, i have tons of them, but as Cheryl said: those are the itsy-bitsy pieces that makes up our high school life.

With that, i end this post with...

1 more day left to suffer, 1 more day left to make things right.

No more.

Dang, i had this wonderful post all figured out in my head last night. Sadly, when i woke up today, it's all gone.

oh well.

2 more days left to suffer, 2 more days left to make things right.

An actor with a stone mask. Tripped.

His head is buried in his hands.
He sighs. Shudders.
He looks at the names. The photos.
He tries to smile,to look happy.
He knows,
He is lying to himself.
He, deep down, really wants to be in the picture too.
He regrets.
He still wants it back.
He knows it's probably too late.
He failed to keep his promise.
He decides to cry...no,sleep it off.
He ends this post.


7 more days left to suffer, 7 more days left to make things right.

Read me like a book,with no happily ever after.

I know i may sound like a whiner, but i really do feel like i'm totally forgotten. No, not the right word, more like abandoned. No, still not appropriate. How about...a-guy-who-is-such-an-asshole-that-i-don't-need-in-my-life-so-i'm-moving-on.

Bingo. Dead center.

It may not look like it,but i'm still making the effort....


8 more days left to suffer, 8 more days to make things right.

*dammit, single digit liao ar?*

Was I too close for comfort?

10 more days to suffer, 10 more days to make things right.

i still miss you guys like nuts. And so, the final countdown begins. Any mystical power in the world, please grant me divine strength and courage to go through these 10 days.

EDIT.

If time would heal all, then why am i still here? Can you give me a reason for coming out of my closet? When it is so nice and dark and warm in here.I can hear the vampire bats of death flapping away in my head like an insane drill of doom. I know, i might sound crazy, or maybe i am, but what’s the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable?

I wish I was a duck, then I wouldn’t have to give a damn y’know? I could just sit there in the pond and float about, eating scraps of bread. It’s my idea of heaven y’know? Perhaps that’s what happens when you die and you’ve been good! You go to the great pond on the sky where the Lord will feed you bits of bread for all eternity. Ohmigawd. I wish. =(

If God exists why did He have to give me such a horrible looking body? I mean what’s the point in having nipples if you are a man? I’ve tried biting them off but I doubt I could handle the pain. I don’t know what I’d say to my mom on the way to the hospital either. ok...random-ness overload.

But still, life can't be that bad, y'know. I probably need to look things from a new perspective.

I tried. Failed.

Now I'm driven to be ten times better than you think I am. Piece by piece I've built my walls and burned the bridges down that leads back to people like you. Eventhough i'm still like this now,i'm not being a loser,this is an art of accepting the truth...even though it is painful.

Drowning or suffocating? Vote.

So again, i did it cowardly. I couldn't even make a call. Just a plain message that sounded so insincere. And i keep telling myself, the message will disintergrate instantly when it's read.

It's not OK.

Sigh, fatigue comes in once more, entering without knocking on my door. It takes so much out of you just to be your old-self. A few more days, that's all, a few more days then i can drop this act.

I remember i once told myself i kept this small little hope.






i think it's really gone.

13 more days left to suffer, 13 more days left to make things right.

Cry as i may these tears won't wash you away.

Sometimes you dont realize how much you care for someone until they stop caring for you. Yea, i learned that the hard way.

A friend of mine once told me this funny little quote that got me smiling: the memories you have are sometimes worth the pain. Haha, can't fault you there. I'm learning slowly on how to hold on to those beautiful moments and forget the bad times. I'm slow, but i'm getting there.

Sorry to all those that still care for me, i'm over that stage now. Won't think and do silly things anymore.

When I see you smile and know that it's not for me, that's when I miss you the most.

18 more days left to suffer, 18 more days left to make things right.

A letter that has not been posted.

There are people in this life for whom even the best of things don’t work out. They could wear cashmere suits and still look like idiots, be very rich but badly in debt, be tall but lousy at basketball (hint). I now realize that I’m one of that species who can’t get the best from their advantages in life, for whom those advantages are even a drawback.

Perhaps I’ve been looking at things from the wrong perspective, maybe, I don’t know. All I know is, it’s too late for me. Even somehow, by some unlikely miracle, I go back to what things were, the magnitude of the damage done is too great, the scars will be visible, it won’t be the same anymore.

It’s like you’ve been living your life in this great big,blue bubble. You’re happily floating and living the way you want to. But the subtlest change that happens so spontaneously pops that great bubble, and you fall, never hitting solid ground. You grasp and thrash in the air, but the bubbles don’t come back.

I was never emotionally strong to begin with. I was always conscious about my short-comings, not that I didn’t do anything about it. I tried. But we’ve all got to learn that sometimes, trying isn’t good enough. All my years, I have made friends. But do you have someone, regardless of gender, whom you so affectionately call your ‘Best Friend’? He or she is the someone who understands you when you don’t. I have no one to give that title to.

I’m not being ungrateful or spiteful here. I’m just speaking out the truth in my mind. God knows how many wonderful individuals that have walked into my life, but I just let them walk past me,unnoticed. I took them for granted, and now I’m paying the price.

Ok, I know my life may be better than some other sad, unfortunate soul. But I’m not making comparisons here, I’m more concerned about me. I think, for once I’m going to be honest, that my worst weakness is that I don’t appreciate things, I treat them too lightly. And that’s how I treated the friendships that were shown to me.

I’ve had time. Months. Me, struggling to find words, just to make it sound right, to tell them how sorry I was. But no, that was just an excuse. Truth be told, I was…am afraid to face my mistakes. Maybe I wanted to run away. Maybe I wanted the easy way out, where if I just ignored the problem, it would patch itself up. All because I’m not brave enough.

So it all comes down to this: No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I regret now, it is too late. Yes, it hurts. It hurts when you see you are so easily overlooked in their lives, hurts when you know you don’t matter, hurts when you know you’re the cause of all this. And now, I’ve chosen to put on a mask, one that is flamboyant and fake, to scatter dust over my companion’s eyes. To make them think i can go on fine without them too.

But it’s a tiresome routine.

All this now is just hogwash. No point trying to get the message across so subtly now. Yet, in the deepest bowels of my little heart, I hope, somehow,someday, my dear friends would know, just how much they mean in my life, how much I love them. I won’t blame you if you won’t forgive me, but I just want to let you know how sorry I am.

From,
Victor.

p/s: i've gushed everything out now. at least this knot inside me has loosened up a little.

End of the line.

Our only freedom is death ; death means finding freedom.

21 days left to suffer, 21 days left to make things right.

Bring it all back, all the way home.

I wonder if this was supposed to be my life? the one i'm living in right now.

I've lost most of my sanity...if not all. I can't think rasionally. This pain in my heart over-rides everything. Dammit, it hurts so bad that i actually wince.

I'm so tempted to end everything right now. I mean, i don't think i have anymore strength to take it.

22 more days left to suffer, 22 more days to make things right.



but i don't think i can last those 22 days. Goodbye world.

One last song...the last one. No more.

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush
What a rush
'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me
It's just too much
Just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized
So mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging,
Spending time, girl,
are we just friends
Is there more
Is there more

See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this
Into something that'll last
Last forever
Forever

Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away

Why do I keep running from the truth(Why do I keep running)
All I ever think about is you(All I ever think about)
You got me hypnotized(Hypnotized)
So mesmerized(mesmerized)
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away

24 more days left to suffer, 24 more days left to make things right.

Complicatedly Simple,that sums it up.

I'm a big time failure.
I wasn't one to begin with(or so i feel), i slowly became who i am today, a slow and arduous progress.

I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. Nothing i do seems to work out the right way, nothing i hope for seems to come true, no matter how hard i try. Or maybe i'm just not trying hard enough and gave up mid-way.

I wonder what really triggered this change? How did i end up like this?

Yea, i whine a lot, sorry about that.

I'm sorry to say, i have thousands of black thoughts and ill-feelings hidden within me. I keep thinking, constantly, about my friends. I disgust myself, but i keep thinking they all hate me, bent on bringing me down,laughing behind my back and watching me suffer. I know, paranoia sets in.

I can't help it. I wish people would stop saying this is a stage where 'the hormones just set in, it'll pass'. No,i know it's something more,something much deeper.



I just need someone....someone to just tell me what to do.

25 more days to suffer, 25 more days to make things right.

It's so wonderful,absolutely absorbing. Downright depressing.

I know my future's at stake.

My grades aren't really going up as i expected it to be...no wait, i was expecting this. Heck, the lack of study and concentration really takes a toll on my grades.

No, i don't think i'll blame anyone but myself. I'm not giving myself an excuse, but there's no point denying that my erm...'problems' and so-called 'emo-ness' has affected my study mojo.

Dammit, i hate being so weak. Snivelling around like this, i hate it.

so glad you can't see me when i'm behind locked doors.

28 more days left to suffer, 28 more days left to make things right.

It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself.

It's been more or less 4 months since i last saw a message appear on my cell with your name on it.

Wow, persistent huh?

Oh well, what am i to do? I rather live my life laughing out loud...for real. I mean, it's just so hard to be normal these days. One problem stacks itself on another, and i'm on the ground floor, compressed tighter than Pamela Anderson's boobs.

The popularity of an individual in life often only manifests itself in death, this is what i sincerely believe in.

I am so close of giving up now. On you and myself.

Anymore of this,my will snaps, and then i'll be living out my beliefs as stated above.

29 more days left to suffer, 29 more days to make things right.

A lovely post to a lovely friend.

No, i am not ANGRY, not even one bit. Things happen for a reason la right? Don't worry, i understand.
But of course, i would be lying if i said i don't really mind. I mean, for Emo's like us, we tend to look forward to outings where we can have a chance to bond with other Emo's, to vent out frustrations and to share the pain.

That's what being emo is all about, isn't it?

I bought new emo shades today so i can show it off when we go out for our Emo Day...

...but SOMEONE couldn't make it.

I even had a new emo haircut to suit to occasion....

...but SOMEONE couldn't make it.

I even prepared enough money so i could like buy an emo T-shirt....

...but SOMEONE couldn't make it.

Of course, i understand the feeling of not having enough money, i was even THIS close of offering to belanja SOMEONE whole day...

...but that didn't happen laaa...

It's ok, i am NOT kidding. As you said, there would be other times.

When YOU read this, please know that i am typing all this with a smile...

...with eyes that can kill.

So now, i'm very emo. I'm emo-ing over the fact that i can't emo with emo queen on our supposedly Emo Day.

Suddenly, i just thought about things you do to me.

For You, (again)

Today is a winding road
that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone
I don't know (I don't know, I don't know, I don't know)
And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
And I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder


thanks brianC for introducing this song to me.

remember the 3 words i never said to you.

Things that should have happened, did not become reality.

Things that should NOT have happened, well...they became a very vivid nightmare.

One that i am living through every second, every minute. It's like you're not really waking up, or falling asleep. It's like, you finish one nightmare, you begin another one. Chain reaction,ya know?

I'm still in a very vehement denial. I still can't swallow all this. Maybe i got so used to the idea that i'm like, a very important person in everybody's life. This is another form of arrogance, a weakness i know that i have.

Now, i gotta swallow all that humble-pie with a very dry throat: i am a nobody.

Sigh.

Don't worry. I'm not grudging any of you. You can go ahead and enjoy your life. Ignore me like now, let me drown in my own pool of self-pity i created for myself.

I no longer can look at you anymore. It just hurts so bad inside.

Emo >>> Suicidal.

How long will i last?

34 days left to suffer, 34 days left to make things right.

I got my room next to the gates of Hell. Rental damn cheap.

I am fat.

I am ugly.

I am a compulsive lier.

I am lame. Very lame.

I am an idiot.

I sit down, you stand up.

I am a failure.

I am everything you should hate.

I hate to feel this way and not look the part.

I am going to be the worst person you had the misfortune to meet. I mean, that's what i just am isn't it?

Emo-ness overload. gonna lay off blogging for a while. Every post i make just reminds me of what i've lost and how pathethic i am.

37 days left to suffer, 37 days left to make things right.

You left just to see me fall. The show begins.

Emo once again.

I keep thinking, what if i don't make things up with you guys when my remaining 38 days end. Will it be left just like this? If so, i'll be leaving with a shoulder-full of regrets. I don't want that.

But it probably would just be the same for you. How long have you went on without me? There, i'm just thrown away like some rag-doll. Why do i care so much?

Today, i am dead depressed and emo.

End of post. Can't continue anymore.

38 days left to suffer, 38 days left to make things right.

I squint at the sun, but i see only you and the paroxysm.

I know i should probably just let go. I mean, i'm definitely not good enough for you.

Still, i'm holding on so stubbornly when i know it would seem more prudent if i just moved on with my life.

It's not easy, you know?

All i want now, besides having things back the way they were, is to look at you everyday without you looking at me.

That would be bliss. =)

39 days left to suffer, 39 days left to make things right.

I took the trip down memory lane, coming back with more bruises.

I'm talking to you, not her, you.

It's already bad enough with her, but you, i cannot really let go. I thought we had something, like, some understanding flowing between us. I shared so many secrets with you, I treated you like a close friend eventhough we barely knew each other for like....less than 2 years.

But now. You just slinked off into shadow, without a word to me, and then i just drowned.

You like that?

I can't believe this really is the end. Was i ever really your friend? I know, you're pissed off at me for something i said, but was it that bad? If it really hurts, then the more you should tell me, let me patch things up. I don't like this too.

But you ever so effortlessly threw away my existence, making the good times we had seem like a big fat lie. The pictures i stare almost everyday, this aching,yearning.

You are the next best thing to a girlfriend i ever had. and that says a lot.

I miss you. I'm sorry. I don't want to leave like this.

40 days left to suffer, 40 days left to make things right.

The colourful mixing and twirling of emotions and hearts

This year, without a doubt, has to be the worst year of my entire sad life.

Nothing seems to go right this year, it's like everything i do fails, or things around me are changing too fast for me to adapt to. Gee, whine much.

I really don't want to part like this. If i'm leaving end of this year, then we'll...no, i'll have less time to make things up to you guys.

or maybe you've already given up on me, i'm just a nobody. Apologizing is redundant now, is it?

And prom plans aren't going as smoothly as i thought it would.


But, i'm glad that i have friends like Mommy Cheryl and Emo Queen. Haha. Talking to either of them always lifts my spirit up. The things mommy say to me pacify me. Everytime i'm facing some inner turmoil, mommy is always there with the right words. Emo queen ar. HAHA. When i talk to her, i can almost forget all my worries and woes.

Thank you. It's nice to be soothed and titillated.


43 days left to suffer, 43 days left to make things right.

my 400th post. How long have i been like this?

I'm starting to feel that slight twinge of regret. Maybe i shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me,i probably shouldn't have deleted all of you from my MSN list.

But what's done is done, no point crying over curdled milk. Who cries over milk anyways?

Sigh.

I'd like to think that today we made a 0.1 sec of eye contact, but as usual, i was the first to pull away. I'm so tired already. I can't be like this forever you know? Being happy and chirpy when i'm actually dead depressed and sad. Why can't i be forgiven?

I see you people talking with others. Laughing, joking. I see myself in that group so often now. But i always try to look away,to stop myself from being miserable. I miss all of that,bitterly.


44 days left to suffer, 44 days left to make things right.

So i don't exist. It's my fault, i know already.

I know it's my fault.

I know that i shouldn't have fallen for you.

I know we can never be together, maybe just platonic friends.

I know i've been a total jerk, but please believe that i'm trying.

I know i'm not trying hard enough.

I know that maybe it's too late.

I know you hate me.





but do you know, that i still really care?

45 days left to suffer, 45 days left to make things right.

The compulsive lier and the sadistic life.

Well, this is a start. A new blog address, but the same old content.

Maybe it's better this way. I mean, my blogs been viewed by people which i don't really welcome. Make a guess, they're related to me. -.-"

and of course, them.

Not that i'm being hostile or anything, but it's better if they don't see what i blog anymore. Of course la, they probably ain't reading my blog anymore, but hey, a guy can't be too careful ya know?

I miss them sooooooo much la. I mean, now that one of them ain't going to prom anymore, there goes my 'plan'. OK, maybe it wasn't even a plan to start with, just a pathethic excuse. Oh well, whichever it is, flushed down the drain la.

And NOW, i never see your face anymore. Oh sure, yea, we still co-exist in the same vicinity. But, you just don't look at me anymore. I miss your smile, i think that's what i miss the most. I can only see that smile in old pictures, which i browse through almost daily, like a ritual.

It's like you can take me up and throw me back down again. Such a great power you wield.

Ok la, officially label myself an Emo now. Gotta start buying black clothes ,black eyeliner, black lipstick, some junk to hang around my body and pierce my nipple. Ok, maybe not the last part, but yea, emo.

the holy trinity

great! just effin great!!!

now WTF did i do now?

I'd probably should be emo, but now i'm kinda dulan and confused at the same time.

IS IT CONTAGIOUS? ARGH!!!!!!!!!

this has been a very pussy-fied post. Please ignore this if you want.

It's not always easy, but of course, if it were hard, you'd be dead already,no?

I think i'm gonna ditch Facebook. Reasons i keep to myself.

I think my parents don't understand me. They really don't. They try, i can tell, but they can't accept things we do nowadays, and that makes understanding me a problem for them. They say i've changed. Yea, maybe. But that's because i'm growing up. I'm beginning to see things in a new light, have thoughts of my own. Maybe you want me to think and see like you, but i'm me. If you can't accept me for who i am, then....

It aches physically. Yes, not figuratively speaking, but it really does hurt in the inside.

I miss all of you. Everything we ever shared, i miss.


Don't remind me it's too late, that little light i keep for myself, at the verge of going off any moment. You can find me desperately trying to rekindle that flame, but it's going out anyways, because my tears fall on it. So no matter how hard i try, it still extinguishes. Futile i say.

Yea, call me emo. I care not anymore. Only a handful of people will want to understand me under all this and won't judge or critisize me based on all this crap. To those people, thank you.

And a special thank you to my new emo partner. You know who you are, and thanks la, for making me emo and laugh at the same time.

48 days left to suffer, 48 days left to make things right.

When you stop talking, i start walking.

HALLO!

ONCE AGAIN I LIED!

IM HERE BLOGGING LA HAHAHAHAHAHHAA

seriously, like brianC said, i'm addicted to blogging. Can't help it la, it's like a diary thing going on here. Bwahaha.

OK la, i was VERY emo today at school. No prize guessin why. Maybe i can't look at them because i don't know how i would look at them. Or maybe because i'm afraid of the way they would look at me.

Right gabby, hope on. hope on.

BUT

I came home feeling a tad better. OK LA MUCH BETTER! I forgot i still have people around me who can make me laugh.

Yes shueze, BENGGUIN. Coz i'm the only big fat blue penguin around here dammit.

Songs helped too! No emo song la. SERIOUSLY! MCFLY ARE TOTALLY THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD! THEIR SONGS SO MOOD LIFTING!

BUT!!!!

currently addicted to When I Grow up by PussyCatDolls.

don't laugh. i'm dancing to it.


BIO HORROR! die die die.

Perhaps this is me, perhaps i am better off when i'm at home, connecting with friends via online. I mean, we don't see each other's faces and it's just an endless matrix of 'LOL'. So fun.


THIS IS TO STICK KAPOH! DAMMIT TELL ME WHO ALICIA LEE XIAN YI LA!

49 days left to suffer, 49 days left to make things right.

It this is the last song...

I'm totally into someone who hates me for all i'm worth, hates me like nobody's business.
I may be wrong, but heck, i'm sure about one thing,
I'm not in her eyes.

How much stupid can i get? (don't answer that)
How much lower can i sink? (don't answer that too)

I'll probably won't be blogging much anymore. Not just because of exams, but well, there really isn't much to say or tell anymore. This is just me.

But.

The countdown still continues. I know,or maybe i don't want to know, that it may be a little too late. But in my heart, because i care, i still hold that inkling of hope, that shard of light.

And that is what keeps me from breaking down in front of them.


50 more days to suffer. 50 more days to make things right.


this has been a very emo post.

With glasses, you can do so much more than pluck apples from the tree.

I am feeling ABSOLUTELY GOOD about my Add Maths 1 today.

Ok la, so i'm not perfect, of course i did not manage to solve ALL the questions, but hey, 21/25 damn bloody geng achivement for me ok? I am feeling damn pleased with my fucking self.

BM like that la....when you get a teacher like Mr Ng, you tend to lose interest in the subject, believe me.

My plan to look sophisticated,intellectual and composed with my glasses, flushed down the drain. *inside joke*

Tomorrow, Physics 2 and English.

One word: I will die dam gau gau in Physics.

wait, that was more than one word, oh well.

physics only mar....

This is so bloody deja-vu man. During my mid-year, i totally f-off-ed Physics 2 and played CS all night. And now...well, i don't know whether i want to study that blasted subject or not. I mean, i totally don't get physics AT ALL. I have no logic in me.

Is there really no space for reconcilation? I'm sorry, but i see no opening for me to take a step forward. I've been trying to break through the walls that are built to keep the riff-raff out-me. Now the walls are so high, i can't see you anymore.

52 days left to suffer, 52 days left to make things right.

It took me so long,so arduous

Exams man.

Woohoo.

Maths 2 was actually do-able for me. And Chinese ar...let's just say i got hit by sudden inspiration and wrote 2 pages and a half. A definite achievement for me. Now all there is to see are the grades i get back.

Day 1 over.

I just realized something. I mean, all this...this change i would say, sorta like, perceptively, happened like after the second term exams. So it's about...i don't know, how many months ago was our second term exam? Yeap, that long. All this had happened, for this long.


53 more days left to suffer, 53 more days to make things right.

Tick-tock.

Look into the mirror and you see just her.

Well people, exams starts tomorrow. Good luck to all of you. This is our trials after all.

And yes, i'm going in totally unprepared. I don't care. I've practically given up on almost everything.

No, it's not just that problem. It's like, all the other problems come together and condense, ultimately increasing the magnitude of the whole problem and thus making me the senseless emo i am now.

Senseless. I feel nothing. At all.

Oh noez, i'm gonna start wearing spectacles now. But then, maybe it might help me see clearer.

If you know what i mean.

Keep the emotions flowing or roll over and turn into stone. Wtf?

I think i'm turning into a stalker. Nuff' said. I creep myself out.
Is this even normal?

*shudder*

Exams are in like....what? less than 72 hours? Yeah, and i'm not panicking. Not one bit. I do not know why, but i have no mojo going on here. Don't give me that look, i mean it. I have not touched anything.

And this is supposed to be our trials, our passport to college, and here i am, juggling it, and all can come crashing down on me any moment.

I just don't care anymore.

See what have i become?

Maybe i'm not riding the right wave, not the right grasp

What is actually wrong with me?
Was I ever this emotionally weak?

You cannot imagine how much my heart aches,
first,over the way things are now,
second, on how i wished things would be back to normal.

I heard a good quote today:

'If it were meant to feel good, it wouldn't be called a crush.'

You're just the best i ever had...

This tightness in my chest, it hurts real bad.

Again,i know. But please, when i say i can't help it, you've gotta believe me. No, i am not making a fuss out of it, i'm just writing what i really feel inside.

It's the same old question that's been killing me all this time:

'What did i do? Was what i did really THAT bad??'

I hate not knowing. 

I'll be honest. No, i have not asked. As in, in person. But hell man, i wanted to, i've always wanted to. I just don't know what's stopping me. Shy? No. Angry? I don't think so. Afraid? Probably. Ashamed? Yeah....

The animosity shown has just reached a new level. Ta~da!

You know what? I rather get insulted, shouted at, whacked or anything. But never ever this stony,icy silence and that occasional glare. I can't take it anymore.

Self-pity is the worse kind of pity you can ever get. 

I'm sorry that i'm me. 

No chisel or pick can remove the thorn in my heart.

i felt so....utterly alone today. Very. As in, X10 times.

I tried not to see what i wanted to see. I tried to say what i should've said. I tried...but in the end, it wasn't good enough.

Maybe Tits was right all along. Now her method doesn't seem so bad to me.

Ohhhh gawddd.....it hurts reeaaaallll bad.



Thanks for making me feel like crap.

So much drama in your life, and sometimes you only need one to break you.

Whoa, bloody eventful day.

To cut a long story short, let's just say me and a bunch of friends were playing fugitives of the run. Something like Prison Break. Damn fun and scary. hahahaa.

Oh, and the surprisingly and shocking thing is, 4 outta 5 girls do NOT know what does ALT+F4 does!! WTF? It's true i tell you.

Wait. You don't know too? OK, try ALT+F4 now.

Gabek, that convo was just wrong, totally wrong. If the boy and the girl were to see it...well, you're right, the girl would nail me to a cross and use you as a chair, but....it would be fun to see the guy's reaction.

Moral of the story: talk to Gabek when you feel you're in for a sick and gross conversation.

it's kinda weird la, talking like that when communication with....well, yea....is like so...oh well. Makes me think about the past...again.

Hmm...i'm choosing not to face it, but to run away from it, am I doing the right thing? What else can i do? How long will i have to elude like this? When will this stop?

Found some very interesting bumper stickers from facebook. See for yourself.

haha.right.

A little faith does wonders? I'll try to believe.

I have got to STOP double blog-posting.

Haha, is this what we call addiction?

Sigh. This will sum up what i am feeling now. Not being cryptic, but make a smart guess. =)

Oops! no, not that one, THIS:

Take one step at a time, or you can just skip

Sonia.

Dumbo, you know ar, when you said you will be leaving today, i was damn traumatized the whole week. Damn short notice ok? And you just had to get yourself sick on sunday, so there goes the plan to meet up one last time.

Still, i love you for all you've done. You can't just throw away 7 years of homie-ness and bitchi-ness. Good luck in UK, don't get rape by Ang Moh's and don't worry. You'll fit in fine.

Not going to say miss you yet, coz technically....i'll be seeing you during prom. Right? right????

NenLin/Tits/NenNen

THIS girl har.....HAIYO!

FIRST! she made me worship her.
SECOND! she can talk about hair (as in head,armpit and pubic one) non-stop.
LASTLY! she made me laugh, rolling on the floor, when i was emo and down.

For that, i thank you tits. And no, my pube still octaganal shaped.

Cheryl

My dear,not-so-old mommy.Thank you for listening to my problems mom. Seriously, you are the only one i can talk too without getting agitated or anything. Sense of calm,Zen. HAHA. and thank you for including me in your prayers, was really touched. Maybe i'll let Him into my life....someday. =)


I was being too narrow-eyed and too conceited. I kept looking down, but never around. I still have friends who really care, and for that, i am grateful.

Yes, for this , i will be less emo. The world isn't hard, it's just complicated.


p/s ohgawdohgawdohgawd, i have tons yet to study, yet still no mojo. die die die.

You fall from the Sky into the River of Gold

30th August.

ICCHS 35th Installation. Theme: Get Set!

Was mightyly impressed by the installation. Wow, couldn't have left the club in better hands. Though till today, i am still feeling reluctant to step down as IU Director. Gawd, i'll miss the fun. Anyways, congratulations to the juniors and a job well done. Sorry to say, i think my video presentation last year beat yours hands down. Sorry Vijay.

Pictures from yesterday.

my ex-Asst IU Director Sharon. Cheers mate!

One big family. Will miss our Interact days.

now there is something very wrong with this picture. Haven't spotted it yet? take a very close look at Brian. See where he's pointing at? See his face? hehe.

This is Shih Xuan/XuanXuan/Kuih/Jagung/MAK JAGUNG. She is very cute. But not as cute when she stole my post as IU Director and kicked me into an old folk's home, just because i'm retired and old. Pfft.

Just kidding. Thank you for the present again mak jagung. I know you like mine too.

30 Hour Famine Camp. ROXXOR!!

Ok...so last saturday and sunday, 23rd and 24th of august, i joined the 30 Hour Famine camp. It's my second camp and i THOUGHT i'd be prepared. But heck man, i screwed up the timetable and thought the camp was gonna start at 12pm. In the end, i reached HELP quite late and did not eat any breakfast, which also means that i fasted more than 30 hours. Yea me.

All the photos are uploaded in Facebook, coz blogger's a total worm.

To Satya, Maleni, EeLeng,Anthony, Vicky, Zhen, Ting, Fiona,HuiYi and Thambi, THANK YOU for making the 30 hours seem so short. Let's see each other next year again.

It happened again, just when i was picking up the crumbs

OK, i have a confession to make:








I'm emo again.






Go ahead, roll your eyes, cause i am. Sigh. I don't know, i guess this only happens when it's dark outside and i'm all alone, facing my computer, staring at that name...ergh.



i wished it would stop.



words failed me. no,seriously failed ME. i think it all began with words, you know, the things that are formed by little alphebets and are spat out from our mouths? yeah, those. i resent it. i really do. but i have nothing else to say but sorry, coz i friggin don't know the problem, which, to be honest, is driving me up the fuckin wall.



It's nearing a month now. what a coward i am. It's like that McFly song 'Sorry's not Good Enough'. Now i sit here pondering, if sorry could solve all the problems in the world, then there wouldn't be any problems now, would they? and SADLY, sorry is all i have...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



i think i'm taking this worse than a breaking-up from a girlfriend. Wait, technically, this IS a break-up. haha. i don't know this is hitting me so hard. i keep thinking about it every single fuckin sad day. mental stress la wei.
If i could take back my words, i would.
If i could make things right again, i would.
If you'd just look at me once more....
no, wait.
i don't want that.


i should probably just write a song about this and sing it every single day.

i hope,no, yearn, that one day, just one friggin small day, you all will be able to feel what i feel, to know what i'm thinking.

Message sent. Awaiting reply.








HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO MR OOI TUAN HANN. Fucker, can't forget your birthday la, it's on friggin Merdeka Day. haha. Tuhan Yang Maha Hamsap. best wishes la deh.

When your bones break like potato chips

I am getting old.

No point denying that.

=(

don't want la.....i want to stay as a kid for as long as possible.

OFFICIALLY stepped down as I.U Director of ICCHS. Very relunctant la, coz i have this overwhelming sense of under-achievement. Oh well, best of luck to the new B.O.D. Work hard and viva la interact.

Thank you Jagung Xuan for the present. Hope you like mine too.


Pictures of 30 Hour Famine and 35th ICCHS Installation will be up tomorrow. Now, i am gonna go shit,bathe and study.

SPM la yo...


am i really not missed? so i was never acknowledged in the first place.
what's the point of getting a second chance? bummer.

the two round shiny shiny thingy's

Ima go shave now.

Updated.

My stuffed toy has a sword.

I can't believe how much time i've wasted emo-ing. I'm guessing if i add up all the time i emo-ed, i can have about a week or more to study. Fuck the lost time.

Oh well. Can't be helped i guess.

I don't even know if i can score good grades in trials anymore. I mean, what happened to that confidence of mine? I thought i was prepared, but when i saw and heard my friends revising, only then i realised the amount of stuff i do not know yet.

Die. In the most gruesome way you can think of.

I will hide all the emo stuff away. Trying very hard here to be my old self again. *exhale*


Love...no, that's too strong a word. How about....infatuation? Yea, infatuation,it's such a fickle thing. Maybe we just aren't matured enough yet, maybe we're just not cut out for it. I've seen people fall and break just because of it. It makes me wonder, am i just dramatizing all my problems? Am I just being too perasan-ed? Or am I just trying to find an excuse, an escape route for myself?

Dang, screw all this man. I got my buddies and bitches to keep the mojo going. I will say: lesson learnt. My heart goes to all of you.


of course, i still want to make up.....but i guess it's too late after all.

To bunny Yeeaun:

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOooooooHHHhhhhhhh..........................

hehe, you know what i mean.

Make the skeletons in your closet dance.

How do i start this?

Well...to cut a long story short, i've decided, REALLY decided, and made a promise to myself, that i will stop thinking about negative stuffs, stop looking at things from the bad point of view, stop complaining and whining. In a nutshell, i'll stop to emo.

Seriously, i really don't know how to put this into words...but i sorta like, feel happy for them. Haha, weird, i know. I'm not so sure about this myself too. It's just the way they are now, the way they get on with their lives, i just smile. Haha, i bullshit you not. I don't even know what's wrong with me.

I can and will move on with my life. All i can say now is, i am still sorry, sorry that we had to end up like this. Forgive me for not having the courage that i should.

I wonder,sometimes, was i ever a friend at all? Or was it just my imagination? (slight tinge of emo here)

Which ever the answer, i won't pick and shovel for it. I'll let it be. Yes, i will move on, but i'll always be looking back, but never will i again stop and fall. It's time i start prioritising the important things that i need to set wheels in motion.

I am not laughing forcefully anymore.
Yes, it still hurts, but i will bear it as a reminder.
I am going to move forward.
Yes, I will always think about the old days.
The photos i will keep, the memories alive.



I will start growing up properly now.

The laugh is on me. Or is it?

I have more than a hundred reasons to hate you. One of them is this pain i'm going through.

But, i chose to put the blame on me. Why? Coz i know, the blame SHOULD be on me.


Yes, you can so effortlessly not look at me, ignore my pressence, pass me off as an irksome fruit fly. Yes, i know.

But, i clammed up. Nope, since i was the wrong, i put myself through this pain, to serve myself a reminder, a lesson. But this lesson is too great for me to learn.

I am after all, a kid.

Oh, i know, i've been telling myself again and again to just grit my teeth and face the music. Lies and excuses, i have made to make myself the innocent one.

But we all know, this is my problem, my fear of facing my mistakes.


I try and strive so hard, not to look at you, not to hear your voice, not to tune into your laughter. But i can't. I can't believe i used to enjoy your pressence and now, all i wish is for you is to disappear.

No wait, that's not fair, i should be the one who's going. If i knew that things would end out this way, it may sound cruel, but i wish we had never met.

Do you hate me now? Do you loathe my pressence? Am i unforgivable? Even if you're screaming or yelling, i want to know. I just....i don't know, i just get this aura from you that's so intimidating i don't even have the guts to come close to you.

Firewall huh?

i really hope, i sincerely do, that i would be able to express myself to you properly and CORRECTLY. I do not like the now me, nor do i like the now you....wait, you've always been that way, so i guess you had never changed,it's me right? right.



Some advice i got today:
To be able to effectively hit on a girl....

....use lettuce. (inside joke)

I can't stop, I can't stop loving you.
You're a dreamer and dreaming's what you do,
I won't stop believing that this is the end,
there must be another way.
Cos I couldn't handle the thought of you going away,

Sorry's not good enough, why are we breaking up?
Cos I didn't treat you rough so please don't go changing.
What was I thinking of?
You said you're out of love,
baby don't call this off because sorry's not good enough.

Don't stop, all those things you do.
I'm a believer and that's what gets you through,
I can't fight this feeling that this is the end,
We're in the thick of it, where will this ever end?

Sorry's not good enough, why are we breaking up?
Cos I didn't treat you rough so please don't go changing.
What was I thinking of?
You said you're out of love,
baby don't call this off because...

sorry's not good enough

From the hot soup into the frying pan

HELLO!



i survived the 30 hour famine camp, and here i am, alive and well....







....which i wished i weren't.





Well, now that it has come to this point, things can't get any worse can they?



Am i admitting defeat?









bah, fleeting moment of emo-ness. I will post up pictures and videos of the 30 Hour Famine Camp some other time. Now, i am totally drained. Need to recharge.



Till then.





p/s i look like mary kate olsen now. dammit.

Off to do some good. i hope.

Ok people, i'm off again to the annual 30 Hour Famine Camp. Technically, we just go there and starve for 30 hours for the kids in Africa. Damn meaningful la.

Anyways, will be back by tommorow night. Pray i don't die by then.

Ciaoz!

When i get roses, i prick myself

What did i really do to deserve all this?

I am tired of typing then backspacing everything. I don't even have the courage to type in a 'Hi' and press enter.

Alt+F4 is my new best friend.



I hate it when i'm this way. I hate it when i get these tears of frustration.

it's almost 12 and i can't sleep.

I'll just continue staring at that name....



Help me.

Bubble wrap my heart in case it falls.

Kick me in the head till i fall into a state of coma please. It would be much appreciated.


I deleted all the old photos of us, in an attempt to forget about everything and start anew.


.......
....
...
..
.


right, that only lasted for 7 minutes. I clicked open my Recycle Bin and restore,restore,restore.

I cannot let go.



I don't even wanna admit that i'm really head over heels. No, i don't even want to think about it. I don't want to immerse myself too deep into this feeling that will not be reciprocated. It is just me,building castles in thin air.


Yet, it is a magnificent castle i'm building. I don't want it crumble down on me. Sigh.




I miss you. I really do.
and it's raining

I wish i could fly too, but i only have one wing.

Yesternight, Wei Jun's farewell party/get-together/chilling time/bonding. haha

So arrived at Curve around 3.30 ish and met up with Thambi at the billiards. Erm...quite noob la, so i won't go into detail about what happened there.

Met up with BrianC,Shueze,I-Ting, Wei Jun, JieYi and YeeAun. So talk and talk a bit while waiting for Brian and Wei Ren.

'Eh, lichung, you call brian and see where he is now.'

'Wait, ah neh lost his cell la.'

'So how?'

'Call his house.'

So being the guy with a postpaid cellphone, i dialed his house.

'Hello, may i speak to brian please?'

'*in canto* har? who is this?'

oh, it was ah neh's grandma.

Switched to Hakka.

'Popo ar? Ni hao mao? Ngai oi wun Hou Hou(brian)'

'Hou hou ar? Ki chut hi hoi. Ni he mak yin?'

'Mao la, ngai he hou hou gi pin you. Mao xiong gon, byebye popo!'

*click*

Damn farny la. If you don't understand the above conversation....i will not translate it for you. Bottomline, he was not at home.

Then Wei Ren leh...haha, brianC made some joke about his car. the 'Jet mode'. Funnily lame.

Decided to watch Wall-E.

Wall-E may collect trash, but he is the most ADORABLE THING I HAVE EVER MET!!! i would not mind watching this show again. A must watch. 8/10. Not bad la, considering i gave Get Smart 8.5/10.

So after movie we went to Itallianis/Laundry for din-din. Food was ok. But it was the drinks later that night that rocked.

Friggin large contraption. It's called Blue Magarita Tower. Tower the right word man.

No, the white stuff around the edge of the cup not crack or anything. It's salt. Apparently we're supposed to drink it with salt. -.-" Still it was kinda good, albeit a little too sweet for me. Still, i gulped down 7 glasses. =)

So Wei Jun, i wish you good luck and all the best where ever you may fare. Remember us always and...erm...yea, we'll remember you too. Sucker. HAHA

Emo part. ( can't go through a day without emo-ing)

Hmm...i do not know why. I keep thinking about it everytime i'm having a good time. When i looked at my drink, i was really hoping that i could get myself drunk and forget about it just for the moment. But fuck, i have too high a alchohol tolerance level. Sigh. Maybe....maybe i should just try and say 'Hi' when school re-opens.

I wish, i really do, that i could just get on with my life. But thing is, i don't even know whether i had one to begin with.

When things are only getting worse

Well...AT LEAST i've STARTED studying. Hehe. But then again, Chemistry is so easy to understand, i just don't get it that why can't I score?

Poetic fucking justice, man.

I try not to think about it, but as you all know, i ain't got any willpower. tsk.

I'm guessing what i did or say really pissed them off real bad. As in, VERY bad. Argh, keep cracking my brain, i still can't recall what i did. Ergh.

Guys are dumb,and Girls can keep grudges.

No wonder there are only so few 50th golden anniversary wedding celebration. HAHA. wtf, random-ness.

I got the whole album downloaded suckers!! FYI, this is by far their BEST album. 9.7/10 from a renowed website. ROXXOR!!

Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly!!!

Daddy, may i order the original album online? =]]]

Waking up is no better than falling asleep.

Sunday.

Well, i kinda woke up from another sleepless night. I was like, WTF when i saw the clock was 7am in the morning. Tossed and turned. Na-da. So i got out of bed and went downstairs to read the newspaper.

Saw my horoscope, and chuckled.

'Most of us are happiest when we can let ourselves just be. If you stop trying to fit in with everyone else, and don't pin too many hopes on others, anxiety levels tend to drop. This week gives you that welcome opportunity.'

So i'm supposed to stop fitting in, then i'll stop emo?

Right....


But maybe that horoscope might be on to something. I should really stop thinking:'i'm sad,aren't they?' Maybe i should really just let go. treat this as a severe reminder of how i should treat my friends in the future. I should stop laughing so forcefully. I should just get on with life.



Easier said than done.

When you look back, you think.

well...my one week of complete freedom comes to an end today. My parents will be coming back from Beijing. Sigh. It was so good while it lasted.

I guess i really gotta start studying.


Boy, was i ever wrong. I thought i could forget if i don't see. Naw, it's worse. Especially when you spend the whole morning reading all your previous posts.

It's as what Cheryl said, you'll only begin to treasure something only when you have lost it.


Should i at least send a message? I mean, i didn't even as much as said a 'Bye' or 'Happy Holiday'. That makes me look like a total jerk. Oh, the quandary i face.


I'm done and sick and tired of staring at my MSN all day long waiting for that name to pop up.

I really need to find my balls soon. Why? We're graduating, and heck, it's like that Mcfly song: I never wanted everything to end this way.


This is not an emo post, more like a....erm....wake-up call?

Odyssey Aeon. Ice Cold Morning

WOOHOO. Massive thanks to the dude/dudette who uploaded this.

Year 3000,Jenny and Unwell.

Damn syok sendiri la, watched it more than 10 times straight.

My heart resembles a fucking swiss cheese,HOLES.

Damn a lot of things i feel like blogging about, so sorry if this post seems a bit random and mis-matched.

I actually cried over another friends problem. Haha. Scary la, i know. But it's like, so sad, and i feel so....attached, if you get me. I think i've become too emotional now, i have to learn to stop.

YeeAun bunny still won't let me bite her. =(

Hmm...welllll....holidays just started. Maybe it'll be a bit better for me. A break. I mean, it's not like i'm getting any headstart now, am I? I friggin get bloody emo when i'm there, so maybe NOT being there can at least help me stop brooding over that problem now.

Yes, i know. I am running away from the problem. Stop reminding me.


It felt so good. As in, singing. Really helps to cure the emo bug. At least it works for me.

Yes, i am the only emo around here, so don't even dare compete that title with me. I'M TALKING TO YOU BRIAN CHEAH!!! THERE'S ONLY ENOUGH SPACE HERE FOR ONE EMO! CHEER UP LA BRO!!! *the above was strictly a joke.*

I love my mommy. Yea, Cheryl. You know why. =))

Still procrastinating. Have not studied AT ALL. I will FLUNK trials and end us serving 3 months of NS. Die. Death to all of us.

Ah neh's father bloody scary.

I love yamcha sessions la. I need to do it more often.


I just noticed my camera is only good for mobility. That's all. Fullstop. Other than that, it's not as awesome as i thought it was. Bummer.


what is going through my mind NOW is a very silly thought. Emo, but silly.As in, i've liked quite a few girls in my whole high school life. Not saying i'm a flirt or anything, but i'm saying that i have like, feelings for other girls.

SO....

WHY ar, like I never see or feel that any girl like me one? As in, it would be nice to know SOMEONE has a crush on you or anything. I mean, i know this fat bastard, who's totally ugly and pimply, and he has a CHICK. AWEK. BOO.


ok....i'm just being jealous.



and also, i still miss....them. there. got it out of me. geez.

Where's the bloody 'Restart' button?

Ho-hum. Same old feelings, same old me. Seriously, i am getting so tired. Tired of pretending not caring about it at all. Tired that i have to stand aside. Tired that things are going this way.

I have stopped counting the days, 'coz it'll only serve as a reminder of my mistake. Who needs it anyway? Besides, i have more pressing matters at hand, namely SPM TRIALS. i have NOT touched anything....except the occasional add math. Ergh.

But then,how can i concentrate when this is only all i can think about?


Side note: Mr Micheal can suck Anwar's dick fried-thai-springroll-style upside down.

Side note 2: Ouch. I wanted to say that in class today, but nevermind. Ouch, it hurt real bad.

Sigh. What is wrong with me? Why am I taking this so hard? Do i really care that much? Have i been,all this while, subconciously pushing everything i have learned to treasure away? Ahhh...the questions with no apparent answers. Where is that wise old man on top of the mountain when you need him. Should i e-mail my problems to him or what?



I wish i could say: 'Enough is enough, let's get on with life. I have better things to care about.'





Alas,no.

Listen to the song of my heart if you don't wanna hear my words

Glad I didn't go for the Frisbee competition.

Thanks for hearing me out guys. After blurting out everything, it seems to me that some problems aren't really that much of a problem after all. I mean, my problem pales in comparison to others. I should probably be grateful.

So maybe i wan't lying. I think, somehow, the feeling's getting stronger, if that's even possible.

Naw, not mid-life crisis. Teen-life crisis.

But then again, i was...AM not missed. Perhaps i've been treasuring the wrong thing. I don't know.

What's said and told in the Ed Board room, stays there.

This song is SO totally for YOU! yes,you.

I'm getting tired of asking
This is the final time
So did I make you happy?
Because you cried an ocean
When there's a thousand lines
About the way you smile
Written in my mind
But every single words a lie

I never wanted everything to end this way
but you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey
I swore to you I'd do my best to change
but you said 'it don't matter'
I'm looking at you from another point of view
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you
Id never wish for any one to feel the way I do

Is this a sign from heaven
showing me the light
was this supposed to happen
I'm better off without you
so you can leave tonight
and don't you dare come back
and try to make things right cos
I'll be ready for a fight yeah

I never wanted everything to end this way
but you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey
I swore to you I'd do my best to change
but you said 'it don't matter'
I'm looking at you from another point of view
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you
Id never wish for any one to feel the way I do

I never wanted everything to end this way
but you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey
I swore to you I'd do my best to change
but you said 'it don't matter'
I'm looking at you from another point of view
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you
Id never wish for any one to feel the way I do


...so i was always never good enough.

read my blog header. It says all.

I got chosen for NS. Fuck.

I still have not really studied for trials. Fuck.

I am still not talking to them. Double Fuck.

I am still fat. Fuck.



I have not changed at all. Fuckety-fuck.




I do not understand at all.
Is it that my life is too difficult?
Or do I lack the strength to face my problems?

I sulk in the midst of people's happiness

So i guess i was right after all.

My happiness was short-lived. It felt so good while it lasted.

I wonder why, why does it bother me so much? Why do i feel so....so utterly sad when i hear you laugh. Why?

It has always been hard for me and now, it's even harder than before. I really hate not knowing the problem when i know there IS a problem.

Clueless bastard. Me.

Wading waist-deep in shit.



I'm trying too hard to be happy again.

Clear your mind with dust:weekend

=)

i'm actually quite happy. As in, positive feelings going through me now.

=)))

This was actually a very enjoyable weekend. Let's rewind a bit.

9th August: Vijay's partay.

Vijay's little...ok not little, BIG get together party. Friggin palace, the place was like, oh my wow. Reached there about 7 30 like that la.

I will NOT upload the party pictures here. There are too many of them and Blogger is such a slow uploading bitch. Will put them up in Facebook later.

10th August (TODAY)

OU hang out/bonding session with Vivian. Wanted to catch a movie but then, time and choices weren't great so screwed it. So had lunch at BBQ plaze. (her idea)

Mui Vivi

Me.

After lunch, decided to walk around to buy each other our birthday present. HAHA. dam loving kan? But sad la, the shirt vivian wanted out of stock.

Then dulan part was, we walked EVERY single corner of the mall just to buy my present. And we had no idea. I mean, i practically have nothing i want, and she has no clue on what to get me. Then they had this anime function going on, and i saw this: KYAAA~~~ It's a Half-Hollow Bankai Mode Kurowsaki Ichigo!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH LA MUI MUI!


After that, we went to Delicious for yamcha.

Tiramisu which did not taste like Tiramisu.

Guess the name of my drink? DEATH BY ICED CHOCOLATE!!!!(no,seriously)

....yea, it nearly killed me too. couldn't finish it dammit.

Vivi's watermelon with lychee BLAST.

Vivian, thanks for being my friend and sister. I really enjoyed our talk and time spent together today. Seriously, she is the only girl i am willing to spend all my cash on. Love you to bits Vivi!

Yea,i really am happy now,but what about tomorrow?