A letter that has not been posted.

There are people in this life for whom even the best of things don’t work out. They could wear cashmere suits and still look like idiots, be very rich but badly in debt, be tall but lousy at basketball (hint). I now realize that I’m one of that species who can’t get the best from their advantages in life, for whom those advantages are even a drawback.

Perhaps I’ve been looking at things from the wrong perspective, maybe, I don’t know. All I know is, it’s too late for me. Even somehow, by some unlikely miracle, I go back to what things were, the magnitude of the damage done is too great, the scars will be visible, it won’t be the same anymore.

It’s like you’ve been living your life in this great big,blue bubble. You’re happily floating and living the way you want to. But the subtlest change that happens so spontaneously pops that great bubble, and you fall, never hitting solid ground. You grasp and thrash in the air, but the bubbles don’t come back.

I was never emotionally strong to begin with. I was always conscious about my short-comings, not that I didn’t do anything about it. I tried. But we’ve all got to learn that sometimes, trying isn’t good enough. All my years, I have made friends. But do you have someone, regardless of gender, whom you so affectionately call your ‘Best Friend’? He or she is the someone who understands you when you don’t. I have no one to give that title to.

I’m not being ungrateful or spiteful here. I’m just speaking out the truth in my mind. God knows how many wonderful individuals that have walked into my life, but I just let them walk past me,unnoticed. I took them for granted, and now I’m paying the price.

Ok, I know my life may be better than some other sad, unfortunate soul. But I’m not making comparisons here, I’m more concerned about me. I think, for once I’m going to be honest, that my worst weakness is that I don’t appreciate things, I treat them too lightly. And that’s how I treated the friendships that were shown to me.

I’ve had time. Months. Me, struggling to find words, just to make it sound right, to tell them how sorry I was. But no, that was just an excuse. Truth be told, I was…am afraid to face my mistakes. Maybe I wanted to run away. Maybe I wanted the easy way out, where if I just ignored the problem, it would patch itself up. All because I’m not brave enough.

So it all comes down to this: No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I regret now, it is too late. Yes, it hurts. It hurts when you see you are so easily overlooked in their lives, hurts when you know you don’t matter, hurts when you know you’re the cause of all this. And now, I’ve chosen to put on a mask, one that is flamboyant and fake, to scatter dust over my companion’s eyes. To make them think i can go on fine without them too.

But it’s a tiresome routine.

All this now is just hogwash. No point trying to get the message across so subtly now. Yet, in the deepest bowels of my little heart, I hope, somehow,someday, my dear friends would know, just how much they mean in my life, how much I love them. I won’t blame you if you won’t forgive me, but I just want to let you know how sorry I am.

From,
Victor.

p/s: i've gushed everything out now. at least this knot inside me has loosened up a little.