You fall from the Sky into the River of Gold

30th August.

ICCHS 35th Installation. Theme: Get Set!

Was mightyly impressed by the installation. Wow, couldn't have left the club in better hands. Though till today, i am still feeling reluctant to step down as IU Director. Gawd, i'll miss the fun. Anyways, congratulations to the juniors and a job well done. Sorry to say, i think my video presentation last year beat yours hands down. Sorry Vijay.

Pictures from yesterday.

my ex-Asst IU Director Sharon. Cheers mate!

One big family. Will miss our Interact days.

now there is something very wrong with this picture. Haven't spotted it yet? take a very close look at Brian. See where he's pointing at? See his face? hehe.

This is Shih Xuan/XuanXuan/Kuih/Jagung/MAK JAGUNG. She is very cute. But not as cute when she stole my post as IU Director and kicked me into an old folk's home, just because i'm retired and old. Pfft.

Just kidding. Thank you for the present again mak jagung. I know you like mine too.

30 Hour Famine Camp. ROXXOR!!

Ok...so last saturday and sunday, 23rd and 24th of august, i joined the 30 Hour Famine camp. It's my second camp and i THOUGHT i'd be prepared. But heck man, i screwed up the timetable and thought the camp was gonna start at 12pm. In the end, i reached HELP quite late and did not eat any breakfast, which also means that i fasted more than 30 hours. Yea me.

All the photos are uploaded in Facebook, coz blogger's a total worm.

To Satya, Maleni, EeLeng,Anthony, Vicky, Zhen, Ting, Fiona,HuiYi and Thambi, THANK YOU for making the 30 hours seem so short. Let's see each other next year again.

It happened again, just when i was picking up the crumbs

OK, i have a confession to make:








I'm emo again.






Go ahead, roll your eyes, cause i am. Sigh. I don't know, i guess this only happens when it's dark outside and i'm all alone, facing my computer, staring at that name...ergh.



i wished it would stop.



words failed me. no,seriously failed ME. i think it all began with words, you know, the things that are formed by little alphebets and are spat out from our mouths? yeah, those. i resent it. i really do. but i have nothing else to say but sorry, coz i friggin don't know the problem, which, to be honest, is driving me up the fuckin wall.



It's nearing a month now. what a coward i am. It's like that McFly song 'Sorry's not Good Enough'. Now i sit here pondering, if sorry could solve all the problems in the world, then there wouldn't be any problems now, would they? and SADLY, sorry is all i have...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



i think i'm taking this worse than a breaking-up from a girlfriend. Wait, technically, this IS a break-up. haha. i don't know this is hitting me so hard. i keep thinking about it every single fuckin sad day. mental stress la wei.
If i could take back my words, i would.
If i could make things right again, i would.
If you'd just look at me once more....
no, wait.
i don't want that.


i should probably just write a song about this and sing it every single day.

i hope,no, yearn, that one day, just one friggin small day, you all will be able to feel what i feel, to know what i'm thinking.

Message sent. Awaiting reply.








HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO MR OOI TUAN HANN. Fucker, can't forget your birthday la, it's on friggin Merdeka Day. haha. Tuhan Yang Maha Hamsap. best wishes la deh.

When your bones break like potato chips

I am getting old.

No point denying that.

=(

don't want la.....i want to stay as a kid for as long as possible.

OFFICIALLY stepped down as I.U Director of ICCHS. Very relunctant la, coz i have this overwhelming sense of under-achievement. Oh well, best of luck to the new B.O.D. Work hard and viva la interact.

Thank you Jagung Xuan for the present. Hope you like mine too.


Pictures of 30 Hour Famine and 35th ICCHS Installation will be up tomorrow. Now, i am gonna go shit,bathe and study.

SPM la yo...


am i really not missed? so i was never acknowledged in the first place.
what's the point of getting a second chance? bummer.

the two round shiny shiny thingy's

Ima go shave now.

Updated.

My stuffed toy has a sword.

I can't believe how much time i've wasted emo-ing. I'm guessing if i add up all the time i emo-ed, i can have about a week or more to study. Fuck the lost time.

Oh well. Can't be helped i guess.

I don't even know if i can score good grades in trials anymore. I mean, what happened to that confidence of mine? I thought i was prepared, but when i saw and heard my friends revising, only then i realised the amount of stuff i do not know yet.

Die. In the most gruesome way you can think of.

I will hide all the emo stuff away. Trying very hard here to be my old self again. *exhale*


Love...no, that's too strong a word. How about....infatuation? Yea, infatuation,it's such a fickle thing. Maybe we just aren't matured enough yet, maybe we're just not cut out for it. I've seen people fall and break just because of it. It makes me wonder, am i just dramatizing all my problems? Am I just being too perasan-ed? Or am I just trying to find an excuse, an escape route for myself?

Dang, screw all this man. I got my buddies and bitches to keep the mojo going. I will say: lesson learnt. My heart goes to all of you.


of course, i still want to make up.....but i guess it's too late after all.

To bunny Yeeaun:

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOooooooHHHhhhhhhh..........................

hehe, you know what i mean.

Make the skeletons in your closet dance.

How do i start this?

Well...to cut a long story short, i've decided, REALLY decided, and made a promise to myself, that i will stop thinking about negative stuffs, stop looking at things from the bad point of view, stop complaining and whining. In a nutshell, i'll stop to emo.

Seriously, i really don't know how to put this into words...but i sorta like, feel happy for them. Haha, weird, i know. I'm not so sure about this myself too. It's just the way they are now, the way they get on with their lives, i just smile. Haha, i bullshit you not. I don't even know what's wrong with me.

I can and will move on with my life. All i can say now is, i am still sorry, sorry that we had to end up like this. Forgive me for not having the courage that i should.

I wonder,sometimes, was i ever a friend at all? Or was it just my imagination? (slight tinge of emo here)

Which ever the answer, i won't pick and shovel for it. I'll let it be. Yes, i will move on, but i'll always be looking back, but never will i again stop and fall. It's time i start prioritising the important things that i need to set wheels in motion.

I am not laughing forcefully anymore.
Yes, it still hurts, but i will bear it as a reminder.
I am going to move forward.
Yes, I will always think about the old days.
The photos i will keep, the memories alive.



I will start growing up properly now.

The laugh is on me. Or is it?

I have more than a hundred reasons to hate you. One of them is this pain i'm going through.

But, i chose to put the blame on me. Why? Coz i know, the blame SHOULD be on me.


Yes, you can so effortlessly not look at me, ignore my pressence, pass me off as an irksome fruit fly. Yes, i know.

But, i clammed up. Nope, since i was the wrong, i put myself through this pain, to serve myself a reminder, a lesson. But this lesson is too great for me to learn.

I am after all, a kid.

Oh, i know, i've been telling myself again and again to just grit my teeth and face the music. Lies and excuses, i have made to make myself the innocent one.

But we all know, this is my problem, my fear of facing my mistakes.


I try and strive so hard, not to look at you, not to hear your voice, not to tune into your laughter. But i can't. I can't believe i used to enjoy your pressence and now, all i wish is for you is to disappear.

No wait, that's not fair, i should be the one who's going. If i knew that things would end out this way, it may sound cruel, but i wish we had never met.

Do you hate me now? Do you loathe my pressence? Am i unforgivable? Even if you're screaming or yelling, i want to know. I just....i don't know, i just get this aura from you that's so intimidating i don't even have the guts to come close to you.

Firewall huh?

i really hope, i sincerely do, that i would be able to express myself to you properly and CORRECTLY. I do not like the now me, nor do i like the now you....wait, you've always been that way, so i guess you had never changed,it's me right? right.



Some advice i got today:
To be able to effectively hit on a girl....

....use lettuce. (inside joke)

I can't stop, I can't stop loving you.
You're a dreamer and dreaming's what you do,
I won't stop believing that this is the end,
there must be another way.
Cos I couldn't handle the thought of you going away,

Sorry's not good enough, why are we breaking up?
Cos I didn't treat you rough so please don't go changing.
What was I thinking of?
You said you're out of love,
baby don't call this off because sorry's not good enough.

Don't stop, all those things you do.
I'm a believer and that's what gets you through,
I can't fight this feeling that this is the end,
We're in the thick of it, where will this ever end?

Sorry's not good enough, why are we breaking up?
Cos I didn't treat you rough so please don't go changing.
What was I thinking of?
You said you're out of love,
baby don't call this off because...

sorry's not good enough

From the hot soup into the frying pan

HELLO!



i survived the 30 hour famine camp, and here i am, alive and well....







....which i wished i weren't.





Well, now that it has come to this point, things can't get any worse can they?



Am i admitting defeat?









bah, fleeting moment of emo-ness. I will post up pictures and videos of the 30 Hour Famine Camp some other time. Now, i am totally drained. Need to recharge.



Till then.





p/s i look like mary kate olsen now. dammit.

Off to do some good. i hope.

Ok people, i'm off again to the annual 30 Hour Famine Camp. Technically, we just go there and starve for 30 hours for the kids in Africa. Damn meaningful la.

Anyways, will be back by tommorow night. Pray i don't die by then.

Ciaoz!

When i get roses, i prick myself

What did i really do to deserve all this?

I am tired of typing then backspacing everything. I don't even have the courage to type in a 'Hi' and press enter.

Alt+F4 is my new best friend.



I hate it when i'm this way. I hate it when i get these tears of frustration.

it's almost 12 and i can't sleep.

I'll just continue staring at that name....



Help me.

Bubble wrap my heart in case it falls.

Kick me in the head till i fall into a state of coma please. It would be much appreciated.


I deleted all the old photos of us, in an attempt to forget about everything and start anew.


.......
....
...
..
.


right, that only lasted for 7 minutes. I clicked open my Recycle Bin and restore,restore,restore.

I cannot let go.



I don't even wanna admit that i'm really head over heels. No, i don't even want to think about it. I don't want to immerse myself too deep into this feeling that will not be reciprocated. It is just me,building castles in thin air.


Yet, it is a magnificent castle i'm building. I don't want it crumble down on me. Sigh.




I miss you. I really do.
and it's raining

I wish i could fly too, but i only have one wing.

Yesternight, Wei Jun's farewell party/get-together/chilling time/bonding. haha

So arrived at Curve around 3.30 ish and met up with Thambi at the billiards. Erm...quite noob la, so i won't go into detail about what happened there.

Met up with BrianC,Shueze,I-Ting, Wei Jun, JieYi and YeeAun. So talk and talk a bit while waiting for Brian and Wei Ren.

'Eh, lichung, you call brian and see where he is now.'

'Wait, ah neh lost his cell la.'

'So how?'

'Call his house.'

So being the guy with a postpaid cellphone, i dialed his house.

'Hello, may i speak to brian please?'

'*in canto* har? who is this?'

oh, it was ah neh's grandma.

Switched to Hakka.

'Popo ar? Ni hao mao? Ngai oi wun Hou Hou(brian)'

'Hou hou ar? Ki chut hi hoi. Ni he mak yin?'

'Mao la, ngai he hou hou gi pin you. Mao xiong gon, byebye popo!'

*click*

Damn farny la. If you don't understand the above conversation....i will not translate it for you. Bottomline, he was not at home.

Then Wei Ren leh...haha, brianC made some joke about his car. the 'Jet mode'. Funnily lame.

Decided to watch Wall-E.

Wall-E may collect trash, but he is the most ADORABLE THING I HAVE EVER MET!!! i would not mind watching this show again. A must watch. 8/10. Not bad la, considering i gave Get Smart 8.5/10.

So after movie we went to Itallianis/Laundry for din-din. Food was ok. But it was the drinks later that night that rocked.

Friggin large contraption. It's called Blue Magarita Tower. Tower the right word man.

No, the white stuff around the edge of the cup not crack or anything. It's salt. Apparently we're supposed to drink it with salt. -.-" Still it was kinda good, albeit a little too sweet for me. Still, i gulped down 7 glasses. =)

So Wei Jun, i wish you good luck and all the best where ever you may fare. Remember us always and...erm...yea, we'll remember you too. Sucker. HAHA

Emo part. ( can't go through a day without emo-ing)

Hmm...i do not know why. I keep thinking about it everytime i'm having a good time. When i looked at my drink, i was really hoping that i could get myself drunk and forget about it just for the moment. But fuck, i have too high a alchohol tolerance level. Sigh. Maybe....maybe i should just try and say 'Hi' when school re-opens.

I wish, i really do, that i could just get on with my life. But thing is, i don't even know whether i had one to begin with.

When things are only getting worse

Well...AT LEAST i've STARTED studying. Hehe. But then again, Chemistry is so easy to understand, i just don't get it that why can't I score?

Poetic fucking justice, man.

I try not to think about it, but as you all know, i ain't got any willpower. tsk.

I'm guessing what i did or say really pissed them off real bad. As in, VERY bad. Argh, keep cracking my brain, i still can't recall what i did. Ergh.

Guys are dumb,and Girls can keep grudges.

No wonder there are only so few 50th golden anniversary wedding celebration. HAHA. wtf, random-ness.

I got the whole album downloaded suckers!! FYI, this is by far their BEST album. 9.7/10 from a renowed website. ROXXOR!!

Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly Mcfly!!!

Daddy, may i order the original album online? =]]]

Waking up is no better than falling asleep.

Sunday.

Well, i kinda woke up from another sleepless night. I was like, WTF when i saw the clock was 7am in the morning. Tossed and turned. Na-da. So i got out of bed and went downstairs to read the newspaper.

Saw my horoscope, and chuckled.

'Most of us are happiest when we can let ourselves just be. If you stop trying to fit in with everyone else, and don't pin too many hopes on others, anxiety levels tend to drop. This week gives you that welcome opportunity.'

So i'm supposed to stop fitting in, then i'll stop emo?

Right....


But maybe that horoscope might be on to something. I should really stop thinking:'i'm sad,aren't they?' Maybe i should really just let go. treat this as a severe reminder of how i should treat my friends in the future. I should stop laughing so forcefully. I should just get on with life.



Easier said than done.

When you look back, you think.

well...my one week of complete freedom comes to an end today. My parents will be coming back from Beijing. Sigh. It was so good while it lasted.

I guess i really gotta start studying.


Boy, was i ever wrong. I thought i could forget if i don't see. Naw, it's worse. Especially when you spend the whole morning reading all your previous posts.

It's as what Cheryl said, you'll only begin to treasure something only when you have lost it.


Should i at least send a message? I mean, i didn't even as much as said a 'Bye' or 'Happy Holiday'. That makes me look like a total jerk. Oh, the quandary i face.


I'm done and sick and tired of staring at my MSN all day long waiting for that name to pop up.

I really need to find my balls soon. Why? We're graduating, and heck, it's like that Mcfly song: I never wanted everything to end this way.


This is not an emo post, more like a....erm....wake-up call?

Odyssey Aeon. Ice Cold Morning

WOOHOO. Massive thanks to the dude/dudette who uploaded this.

Year 3000,Jenny and Unwell.

Damn syok sendiri la, watched it more than 10 times straight.

My heart resembles a fucking swiss cheese,HOLES.

Damn a lot of things i feel like blogging about, so sorry if this post seems a bit random and mis-matched.

I actually cried over another friends problem. Haha. Scary la, i know. But it's like, so sad, and i feel so....attached, if you get me. I think i've become too emotional now, i have to learn to stop.

YeeAun bunny still won't let me bite her. =(

Hmm...welllll....holidays just started. Maybe it'll be a bit better for me. A break. I mean, it's not like i'm getting any headstart now, am I? I friggin get bloody emo when i'm there, so maybe NOT being there can at least help me stop brooding over that problem now.

Yes, i know. I am running away from the problem. Stop reminding me.


It felt so good. As in, singing. Really helps to cure the emo bug. At least it works for me.

Yes, i am the only emo around here, so don't even dare compete that title with me. I'M TALKING TO YOU BRIAN CHEAH!!! THERE'S ONLY ENOUGH SPACE HERE FOR ONE EMO! CHEER UP LA BRO!!! *the above was strictly a joke.*

I love my mommy. Yea, Cheryl. You know why. =))

Still procrastinating. Have not studied AT ALL. I will FLUNK trials and end us serving 3 months of NS. Die. Death to all of us.

Ah neh's father bloody scary.

I love yamcha sessions la. I need to do it more often.


I just noticed my camera is only good for mobility. That's all. Fullstop. Other than that, it's not as awesome as i thought it was. Bummer.


what is going through my mind NOW is a very silly thought. Emo, but silly.As in, i've liked quite a few girls in my whole high school life. Not saying i'm a flirt or anything, but i'm saying that i have like, feelings for other girls.

SO....

WHY ar, like I never see or feel that any girl like me one? As in, it would be nice to know SOMEONE has a crush on you or anything. I mean, i know this fat bastard, who's totally ugly and pimply, and he has a CHICK. AWEK. BOO.


ok....i'm just being jealous.



and also, i still miss....them. there. got it out of me. geez.

Where's the bloody 'Restart' button?

Ho-hum. Same old feelings, same old me. Seriously, i am getting so tired. Tired of pretending not caring about it at all. Tired that i have to stand aside. Tired that things are going this way.

I have stopped counting the days, 'coz it'll only serve as a reminder of my mistake. Who needs it anyway? Besides, i have more pressing matters at hand, namely SPM TRIALS. i have NOT touched anything....except the occasional add math. Ergh.

But then,how can i concentrate when this is only all i can think about?


Side note: Mr Micheal can suck Anwar's dick fried-thai-springroll-style upside down.

Side note 2: Ouch. I wanted to say that in class today, but nevermind. Ouch, it hurt real bad.

Sigh. What is wrong with me? Why am I taking this so hard? Do i really care that much? Have i been,all this while, subconciously pushing everything i have learned to treasure away? Ahhh...the questions with no apparent answers. Where is that wise old man on top of the mountain when you need him. Should i e-mail my problems to him or what?



I wish i could say: 'Enough is enough, let's get on with life. I have better things to care about.'





Alas,no.

Listen to the song of my heart if you don't wanna hear my words

Glad I didn't go for the Frisbee competition.

Thanks for hearing me out guys. After blurting out everything, it seems to me that some problems aren't really that much of a problem after all. I mean, my problem pales in comparison to others. I should probably be grateful.

So maybe i wan't lying. I think, somehow, the feeling's getting stronger, if that's even possible.

Naw, not mid-life crisis. Teen-life crisis.

But then again, i was...AM not missed. Perhaps i've been treasuring the wrong thing. I don't know.

What's said and told in the Ed Board room, stays there.

This song is SO totally for YOU! yes,you.

I'm getting tired of asking
This is the final time
So did I make you happy?
Because you cried an ocean
When there's a thousand lines
About the way you smile
Written in my mind
But every single words a lie

I never wanted everything to end this way
but you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey
I swore to you I'd do my best to change
but you said 'it don't matter'
I'm looking at you from another point of view
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you
Id never wish for any one to feel the way I do

Is this a sign from heaven
showing me the light
was this supposed to happen
I'm better off without you
so you can leave tonight
and don't you dare come back
and try to make things right cos
I'll be ready for a fight yeah

I never wanted everything to end this way
but you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey
I swore to you I'd do my best to change
but you said 'it don't matter'
I'm looking at you from another point of view
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you
Id never wish for any one to feel the way I do

I never wanted everything to end this way
but you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey
I swore to you I'd do my best to change
but you said 'it don't matter'
I'm looking at you from another point of view
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you
Id never wish for any one to feel the way I do


...so i was always never good enough.

read my blog header. It says all.

I got chosen for NS. Fuck.

I still have not really studied for trials. Fuck.

I am still not talking to them. Double Fuck.

I am still fat. Fuck.



I have not changed at all. Fuckety-fuck.




I do not understand at all.
Is it that my life is too difficult?
Or do I lack the strength to face my problems?

I sulk in the midst of people's happiness

So i guess i was right after all.

My happiness was short-lived. It felt so good while it lasted.

I wonder why, why does it bother me so much? Why do i feel so....so utterly sad when i hear you laugh. Why?

It has always been hard for me and now, it's even harder than before. I really hate not knowing the problem when i know there IS a problem.

Clueless bastard. Me.

Wading waist-deep in shit.



I'm trying too hard to be happy again.

Clear your mind with dust:weekend

=)

i'm actually quite happy. As in, positive feelings going through me now.

=)))

This was actually a very enjoyable weekend. Let's rewind a bit.

9th August: Vijay's partay.

Vijay's little...ok not little, BIG get together party. Friggin palace, the place was like, oh my wow. Reached there about 7 30 like that la.

I will NOT upload the party pictures here. There are too many of them and Blogger is such a slow uploading bitch. Will put them up in Facebook later.

10th August (TODAY)

OU hang out/bonding session with Vivian. Wanted to catch a movie but then, time and choices weren't great so screwed it. So had lunch at BBQ plaze. (her idea)

Mui Vivi

Me.

After lunch, decided to walk around to buy each other our birthday present. HAHA. dam loving kan? But sad la, the shirt vivian wanted out of stock.

Then dulan part was, we walked EVERY single corner of the mall just to buy my present. And we had no idea. I mean, i practically have nothing i want, and she has no clue on what to get me. Then they had this anime function going on, and i saw this: KYAAA~~~ It's a Half-Hollow Bankai Mode Kurowsaki Ichigo!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH LA MUI MUI!


After that, we went to Delicious for yamcha.

Tiramisu which did not taste like Tiramisu.

Guess the name of my drink? DEATH BY ICED CHOCOLATE!!!!(no,seriously)

....yea, it nearly killed me too. couldn't finish it dammit.

Vivi's watermelon with lychee BLAST.

Vivian, thanks for being my friend and sister. I really enjoyed our talk and time spent together today. Seriously, she is the only girl i am willing to spend all my cash on. Love you to bits Vivi!

Yea,i really am happy now,but what about tomorrow?

The heart never lies.

What a day. Emotions whirled up together, blended with the wrong molarity. Overload.

I am still in denial. I still do not believe that so much can change in such a short period of time. I can't believe that all i've built up can be so fragile, breaks so easily, so replacable.

And i am still the world's number one obsessive liar....ok not liar, but more like a guy who can't keep his word.

I said i won't be emo. Look at me now.

I said i'll study. No progress so far.

I said i'll make things up, apologize. But now....oh god, i can't face another day living in this situation.


I am so sick of being someone i'm not. Seriously, i hate it when i laugh so forcefully, it doesn't even sound like me. I cannot pretend to be happy when i am seriously NOT. BUT i can't be emo too, 'coz then i get fingers pointed at me.

Sooo effin tired.






however, i did manage to get a line! wow, i can't believe how happy i was then,eventhough it was short-lived happiness.


I can't describe that pain, that sourness, that tightness in my heart i experience every single night. not dramatizing here, but yea, i do get suicidal thoughts on and off. Ergh.


Dammit, i gotta stop staring at my MSN online list. It's just so hard to refrain myself from clicking that name....


Oh, i can go on and on. But what's the point?





someone bestow me the courage i need.
how do I say sorry?

The turning point

I've been thinking(again)...

I think i can safely label myself 'emo' now. Henceforth, i shall not deny vehemently i'm emo. I embrace my emo-ness.

It's part of growing up,as a friend once said to me.

If i don't have the courage to turn back,
at least i have the courage to move on...
but i don't want to.

Bah. Random ramblings.


As of the more observant people, i've changed my blog skin. Credits to Elyse again. I have undone the cbox. I mean, what's the point of it anyway?

New story too at www.victorsheartstories.blogspot.com . PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!!



Today...

BrianC: Eh dude, it's time you forget about her la. Go catch other fish.

Me: Sorry la, i'm out of bait.

When negative vibes get to you

Wow, i feel how BrianC felt back then. I really wanna leave this place, and start anew.

I am very tired, emotionally. I do not know how long i can last anymore.

I was never right.
I was never brave.
I was never good enough.
I was never like this.

Maybe Ian was right all along.





p/s watch Red Cliff, a true epic movie.

You look into the mirror with closed eyes.

Ergh.
Entering the sixth week now.
I don't know how much longer i can take this, it's....painful. Damn painful.

Yea. Pathethic, i know. You don't have to constantly remind of the fact that i'm a useless FAT bum. I'm sorry, but i'm just not.....like that. I mean, i don't do well with words and all those shits. I'm a coward, i admit that.

Maybe i just don't know what to say.
Or maybe i just don't wanna face my mistakes.

How can i seek forgiveness
when i can't even forgive myself?

It started as a crush,it ended meaning everything in my life.

Ignore the post title.

Created a new blog.

www.victorsheartstories.blogspot.com

It's my new story blog, all the short stories, including Little Boy are there. I'll be posting my stories there, so please check it out. Leave some comments too! Arigato


Yea,i'm still emo about yesterday. It really hurt ok?

It's the feeling of stepping into a blender

The GOOD
1) omg, i was so touched by all the sms-es. Mommy cheryl even sang me a birthday song. Sob. and thank you ee lynn for the best birthday present.
2)Sausage fest at OU with ah neh,thambi and brainC. Haha, enjoyed the talk.
3)thank you for the cake and presents from family.

The BAD
1)parents argued, on my b'day. WTF
2)remembered my problems when i woke up this morning
3)did not have a party
4)emo
5)10 more minutes and my 17th birthday goes 'poof' just like that. Bit disappointed,really.
6)i really want to cry.
7)i am still waiting,but what the hell, why am i dreaming?


Hmm...BAD seems to outnumber the GOOD. Bit sad.

All and all, not one of my better birthdays. Ho-hum.
i'ma cry myself to sleep now.


i'm serious.

I don't care or i don't know. It's just the same.

Still having mixed feelings.

Still struggling to say what i'm supposed to say.

Still like this.

Oh well, at times like this, i'm glad that i got my short stories to keep me occupied.
Presenting you the final part of 'Little Boy'. Please don't be too critical, i'm just a 17 year old student. Thank you.


'Little Boy' Part III:Exodus
It's raining.
At least that is what
Little Boy think is happening.
Woe betide.

Yes,
thinking,musing
contemplating.
Little Boy has finally
found a conclusion:
Time is a Devil.

Time flies past so fast
when you are basking in
warm moments.
Time crawls like a prisoner binded with shackles
when you are drowning in grief.
Time is indeed evil.
It cackles at us,mortals.
That is what Little Boy thinks.

He sums up his new aphorism:
Friends make a Man
or break Him.

On the flat,cold rock
Little Boy sits,haggard.
He likes to think
that he is missed,yearned.
He gazes up to the vast dark sky
blinking away the raindrops,
searching for a message bird,
hoping it would deliver him
a letter, a note,
anything.

But he waits in vain.
The clouds part,laughing.
The night sky is unveiled,winking.
Still,
not a single life form is seen.
Little Boy has run out of tears.

He rises,
his hands outstreched,eyes shut.
He listens to the whispers of the wind
straining to catch some faint murmur.
He is dreaming. Again.

Faint,unsteady footsteps.
Little Boy turns to see
Old Man hobbling towards him.
Little Boy stares,
Old Man smiles.

'So Little Boy,have you enjoyed your little trip to the Dark Realm?'

'I cannot go any further,i have not the will, nor the have the strength to go back.'

Old Man smiles ruefully
'Things can always be mended'

Little Boy recites his new aphorism to Old Man.
Old Man remains silent for a while,
then shakes his ancient head.

'What do you intend to do now?'

'What am i supposed to do?'

'What do you want now?'

'What do i want?'
Little Boy feels the old
misery rising like a tide.
He remembers vividly his dancing days
and most of all
his dancing friends...
friends...

'I want to go back,
but before that,
I want the courage to say,to speak
I want a chance
I want to stop all this self-brought grief
I want to make things right again.
Is that too much to ask?'

Then suddenly,
a dark blue raven,
perched on the spot
where the Old Man was standing,
appeared.
It turned its handsome head,
and nodded,perceptively.
It spreaded its wings
and took flight.
Little Boy watched it go,
at long last,smiling.

He knew,somehow,
the raven will bring
his heart to his friend.
Something snapped within him.
Little Boy stood,
and took a step,
not forward,but backward.
A step,a shuffle,a jog,a sprint
Little Boy,screaming his heart out,
finally begins his long run
back home.