A lovely post to a lovely friend.

No, i am not ANGRY, not even one bit. Things happen for a reason la right? Don't worry, i understand.
But of course, i would be lying if i said i don't really mind. I mean, for Emo's like us, we tend to look forward to outings where we can have a chance to bond with other Emo's, to vent out frustrations and to share the pain.

That's what being emo is all about, isn't it?

I bought new emo shades today so i can show it off when we go out for our Emo Day...

...but SOMEONE couldn't make it.

I even had a new emo haircut to suit to occasion....

...but SOMEONE couldn't make it.

I even prepared enough money so i could like buy an emo T-shirt....

...but SOMEONE couldn't make it.

Of course, i understand the feeling of not having enough money, i was even THIS close of offering to belanja SOMEONE whole day...

...but that didn't happen laaa...

It's ok, i am NOT kidding. As you said, there would be other times.

When YOU read this, please know that i am typing all this with a smile...

...with eyes that can kill.

So now, i'm very emo. I'm emo-ing over the fact that i can't emo with emo queen on our supposedly Emo Day.

Suddenly, i just thought about things you do to me.

For You, (again)

Today is a winding road
that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone
I don't know (I don't know, I don't know, I don't know)
And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
And I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder


thanks brianC for introducing this song to me.

remember the 3 words i never said to you.

Things that should have happened, did not become reality.

Things that should NOT have happened, well...they became a very vivid nightmare.

One that i am living through every second, every minute. It's like you're not really waking up, or falling asleep. It's like, you finish one nightmare, you begin another one. Chain reaction,ya know?

I'm still in a very vehement denial. I still can't swallow all this. Maybe i got so used to the idea that i'm like, a very important person in everybody's life. This is another form of arrogance, a weakness i know that i have.

Now, i gotta swallow all that humble-pie with a very dry throat: i am a nobody.

Sigh.

Don't worry. I'm not grudging any of you. You can go ahead and enjoy your life. Ignore me like now, let me drown in my own pool of self-pity i created for myself.

I no longer can look at you anymore. It just hurts so bad inside.

Emo >>> Suicidal.

How long will i last?

34 days left to suffer, 34 days left to make things right.

I got my room next to the gates of Hell. Rental damn cheap.

I am fat.

I am ugly.

I am a compulsive lier.

I am lame. Very lame.

I am an idiot.

I sit down, you stand up.

I am a failure.

I am everything you should hate.

I hate to feel this way and not look the part.

I am going to be the worst person you had the misfortune to meet. I mean, that's what i just am isn't it?

Emo-ness overload. gonna lay off blogging for a while. Every post i make just reminds me of what i've lost and how pathethic i am.

37 days left to suffer, 37 days left to make things right.

You left just to see me fall. The show begins.

Emo once again.

I keep thinking, what if i don't make things up with you guys when my remaining 38 days end. Will it be left just like this? If so, i'll be leaving with a shoulder-full of regrets. I don't want that.

But it probably would just be the same for you. How long have you went on without me? There, i'm just thrown away like some rag-doll. Why do i care so much?

Today, i am dead depressed and emo.

End of post. Can't continue anymore.

38 days left to suffer, 38 days left to make things right.

I squint at the sun, but i see only you and the paroxysm.

I know i should probably just let go. I mean, i'm definitely not good enough for you.

Still, i'm holding on so stubbornly when i know it would seem more prudent if i just moved on with my life.

It's not easy, you know?

All i want now, besides having things back the way they were, is to look at you everyday without you looking at me.

That would be bliss. =)

39 days left to suffer, 39 days left to make things right.

I took the trip down memory lane, coming back with more bruises.

I'm talking to you, not her, you.

It's already bad enough with her, but you, i cannot really let go. I thought we had something, like, some understanding flowing between us. I shared so many secrets with you, I treated you like a close friend eventhough we barely knew each other for like....less than 2 years.

But now. You just slinked off into shadow, without a word to me, and then i just drowned.

You like that?

I can't believe this really is the end. Was i ever really your friend? I know, you're pissed off at me for something i said, but was it that bad? If it really hurts, then the more you should tell me, let me patch things up. I don't like this too.

But you ever so effortlessly threw away my existence, making the good times we had seem like a big fat lie. The pictures i stare almost everyday, this aching,yearning.

You are the next best thing to a girlfriend i ever had. and that says a lot.

I miss you. I'm sorry. I don't want to leave like this.

40 days left to suffer, 40 days left to make things right.

The colourful mixing and twirling of emotions and hearts

This year, without a doubt, has to be the worst year of my entire sad life.

Nothing seems to go right this year, it's like everything i do fails, or things around me are changing too fast for me to adapt to. Gee, whine much.

I really don't want to part like this. If i'm leaving end of this year, then we'll...no, i'll have less time to make things up to you guys.

or maybe you've already given up on me, i'm just a nobody. Apologizing is redundant now, is it?

And prom plans aren't going as smoothly as i thought it would.


But, i'm glad that i have friends like Mommy Cheryl and Emo Queen. Haha. Talking to either of them always lifts my spirit up. The things mommy say to me pacify me. Everytime i'm facing some inner turmoil, mommy is always there with the right words. Emo queen ar. HAHA. When i talk to her, i can almost forget all my worries and woes.

Thank you. It's nice to be soothed and titillated.


43 days left to suffer, 43 days left to make things right.

my 400th post. How long have i been like this?

I'm starting to feel that slight twinge of regret. Maybe i shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me,i probably shouldn't have deleted all of you from my MSN list.

But what's done is done, no point crying over curdled milk. Who cries over milk anyways?

Sigh.

I'd like to think that today we made a 0.1 sec of eye contact, but as usual, i was the first to pull away. I'm so tired already. I can't be like this forever you know? Being happy and chirpy when i'm actually dead depressed and sad. Why can't i be forgiven?

I see you people talking with others. Laughing, joking. I see myself in that group so often now. But i always try to look away,to stop myself from being miserable. I miss all of that,bitterly.


44 days left to suffer, 44 days left to make things right.

So i don't exist. It's my fault, i know already.

I know it's my fault.

I know that i shouldn't have fallen for you.

I know we can never be together, maybe just platonic friends.

I know i've been a total jerk, but please believe that i'm trying.

I know i'm not trying hard enough.

I know that maybe it's too late.

I know you hate me.





but do you know, that i still really care?

45 days left to suffer, 45 days left to make things right.

The compulsive lier and the sadistic life.

Well, this is a start. A new blog address, but the same old content.

Maybe it's better this way. I mean, my blogs been viewed by people which i don't really welcome. Make a guess, they're related to me. -.-"

and of course, them.

Not that i'm being hostile or anything, but it's better if they don't see what i blog anymore. Of course la, they probably ain't reading my blog anymore, but hey, a guy can't be too careful ya know?

I miss them sooooooo much la. I mean, now that one of them ain't going to prom anymore, there goes my 'plan'. OK, maybe it wasn't even a plan to start with, just a pathethic excuse. Oh well, whichever it is, flushed down the drain la.

And NOW, i never see your face anymore. Oh sure, yea, we still co-exist in the same vicinity. But, you just don't look at me anymore. I miss your smile, i think that's what i miss the most. I can only see that smile in old pictures, which i browse through almost daily, like a ritual.

It's like you can take me up and throw me back down again. Such a great power you wield.

Ok la, officially label myself an Emo now. Gotta start buying black clothes ,black eyeliner, black lipstick, some junk to hang around my body and pierce my nipple. Ok, maybe not the last part, but yea, emo.

the holy trinity

great! just effin great!!!

now WTF did i do now?

I'd probably should be emo, but now i'm kinda dulan and confused at the same time.

IS IT CONTAGIOUS? ARGH!!!!!!!!!

this has been a very pussy-fied post. Please ignore this if you want.

It's not always easy, but of course, if it were hard, you'd be dead already,no?

I think i'm gonna ditch Facebook. Reasons i keep to myself.

I think my parents don't understand me. They really don't. They try, i can tell, but they can't accept things we do nowadays, and that makes understanding me a problem for them. They say i've changed. Yea, maybe. But that's because i'm growing up. I'm beginning to see things in a new light, have thoughts of my own. Maybe you want me to think and see like you, but i'm me. If you can't accept me for who i am, then....

It aches physically. Yes, not figuratively speaking, but it really does hurt in the inside.

I miss all of you. Everything we ever shared, i miss.


Don't remind me it's too late, that little light i keep for myself, at the verge of going off any moment. You can find me desperately trying to rekindle that flame, but it's going out anyways, because my tears fall on it. So no matter how hard i try, it still extinguishes. Futile i say.

Yea, call me emo. I care not anymore. Only a handful of people will want to understand me under all this and won't judge or critisize me based on all this crap. To those people, thank you.

And a special thank you to my new emo partner. You know who you are, and thanks la, for making me emo and laugh at the same time.

48 days left to suffer, 48 days left to make things right.

When you stop talking, i start walking.

HALLO!

ONCE AGAIN I LIED!

IM HERE BLOGGING LA HAHAHAHAHAHHAA

seriously, like brianC said, i'm addicted to blogging. Can't help it la, it's like a diary thing going on here. Bwahaha.

OK la, i was VERY emo today at school. No prize guessin why. Maybe i can't look at them because i don't know how i would look at them. Or maybe because i'm afraid of the way they would look at me.

Right gabby, hope on. hope on.

BUT

I came home feeling a tad better. OK LA MUCH BETTER! I forgot i still have people around me who can make me laugh.

Yes shueze, BENGGUIN. Coz i'm the only big fat blue penguin around here dammit.

Songs helped too! No emo song la. SERIOUSLY! MCFLY ARE TOTALLY THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD! THEIR SONGS SO MOOD LIFTING!

BUT!!!!

currently addicted to When I Grow up by PussyCatDolls.

don't laugh. i'm dancing to it.


BIO HORROR! die die die.

Perhaps this is me, perhaps i am better off when i'm at home, connecting with friends via online. I mean, we don't see each other's faces and it's just an endless matrix of 'LOL'. So fun.


THIS IS TO STICK KAPOH! DAMMIT TELL ME WHO ALICIA LEE XIAN YI LA!

49 days left to suffer, 49 days left to make things right.

It this is the last song...

I'm totally into someone who hates me for all i'm worth, hates me like nobody's business.
I may be wrong, but heck, i'm sure about one thing,
I'm not in her eyes.

How much stupid can i get? (don't answer that)
How much lower can i sink? (don't answer that too)

I'll probably won't be blogging much anymore. Not just because of exams, but well, there really isn't much to say or tell anymore. This is just me.

But.

The countdown still continues. I know,or maybe i don't want to know, that it may be a little too late. But in my heart, because i care, i still hold that inkling of hope, that shard of light.

And that is what keeps me from breaking down in front of them.


50 more days to suffer. 50 more days to make things right.


this has been a very emo post.

With glasses, you can do so much more than pluck apples from the tree.

I am feeling ABSOLUTELY GOOD about my Add Maths 1 today.

Ok la, so i'm not perfect, of course i did not manage to solve ALL the questions, but hey, 21/25 damn bloody geng achivement for me ok? I am feeling damn pleased with my fucking self.

BM like that la....when you get a teacher like Mr Ng, you tend to lose interest in the subject, believe me.

My plan to look sophisticated,intellectual and composed with my glasses, flushed down the drain. *inside joke*

Tomorrow, Physics 2 and English.

One word: I will die dam gau gau in Physics.

wait, that was more than one word, oh well.

physics only mar....

This is so bloody deja-vu man. During my mid-year, i totally f-off-ed Physics 2 and played CS all night. And now...well, i don't know whether i want to study that blasted subject or not. I mean, i totally don't get physics AT ALL. I have no logic in me.

Is there really no space for reconcilation? I'm sorry, but i see no opening for me to take a step forward. I've been trying to break through the walls that are built to keep the riff-raff out-me. Now the walls are so high, i can't see you anymore.

52 days left to suffer, 52 days left to make things right.

It took me so long,so arduous

Exams man.

Woohoo.

Maths 2 was actually do-able for me. And Chinese ar...let's just say i got hit by sudden inspiration and wrote 2 pages and a half. A definite achievement for me. Now all there is to see are the grades i get back.

Day 1 over.

I just realized something. I mean, all this...this change i would say, sorta like, perceptively, happened like after the second term exams. So it's about...i don't know, how many months ago was our second term exam? Yeap, that long. All this had happened, for this long.


53 more days left to suffer, 53 more days to make things right.

Tick-tock.

Look into the mirror and you see just her.

Well people, exams starts tomorrow. Good luck to all of you. This is our trials after all.

And yes, i'm going in totally unprepared. I don't care. I've practically given up on almost everything.

No, it's not just that problem. It's like, all the other problems come together and condense, ultimately increasing the magnitude of the whole problem and thus making me the senseless emo i am now.

Senseless. I feel nothing. At all.

Oh noez, i'm gonna start wearing spectacles now. But then, maybe it might help me see clearer.

If you know what i mean.

Keep the emotions flowing or roll over and turn into stone. Wtf?

I think i'm turning into a stalker. Nuff' said. I creep myself out.
Is this even normal?

*shudder*

Exams are in like....what? less than 72 hours? Yeah, and i'm not panicking. Not one bit. I do not know why, but i have no mojo going on here. Don't give me that look, i mean it. I have not touched anything.

And this is supposed to be our trials, our passport to college, and here i am, juggling it, and all can come crashing down on me any moment.

I just don't care anymore.

See what have i become?

Maybe i'm not riding the right wave, not the right grasp

What is actually wrong with me?
Was I ever this emotionally weak?

You cannot imagine how much my heart aches,
first,over the way things are now,
second, on how i wished things would be back to normal.

I heard a good quote today:

'If it were meant to feel good, it wouldn't be called a crush.'

You're just the best i ever had...

This tightness in my chest, it hurts real bad.

Again,i know. But please, when i say i can't help it, you've gotta believe me. No, i am not making a fuss out of it, i'm just writing what i really feel inside.

It's the same old question that's been killing me all this time:

'What did i do? Was what i did really THAT bad??'

I hate not knowing. 

I'll be honest. No, i have not asked. As in, in person. But hell man, i wanted to, i've always wanted to. I just don't know what's stopping me. Shy? No. Angry? I don't think so. Afraid? Probably. Ashamed? Yeah....

The animosity shown has just reached a new level. Ta~da!

You know what? I rather get insulted, shouted at, whacked or anything. But never ever this stony,icy silence and that occasional glare. I can't take it anymore.

Self-pity is the worse kind of pity you can ever get. 

I'm sorry that i'm me. 

No chisel or pick can remove the thorn in my heart.

i felt so....utterly alone today. Very. As in, X10 times.

I tried not to see what i wanted to see. I tried to say what i should've said. I tried...but in the end, it wasn't good enough.

Maybe Tits was right all along. Now her method doesn't seem so bad to me.

Ohhhh gawddd.....it hurts reeaaaallll bad.



Thanks for making me feel like crap.

So much drama in your life, and sometimes you only need one to break you.

Whoa, bloody eventful day.

To cut a long story short, let's just say me and a bunch of friends were playing fugitives of the run. Something like Prison Break. Damn fun and scary. hahahaa.

Oh, and the surprisingly and shocking thing is, 4 outta 5 girls do NOT know what does ALT+F4 does!! WTF? It's true i tell you.

Wait. You don't know too? OK, try ALT+F4 now.

Gabek, that convo was just wrong, totally wrong. If the boy and the girl were to see it...well, you're right, the girl would nail me to a cross and use you as a chair, but....it would be fun to see the guy's reaction.

Moral of the story: talk to Gabek when you feel you're in for a sick and gross conversation.

it's kinda weird la, talking like that when communication with....well, yea....is like so...oh well. Makes me think about the past...again.

Hmm...i'm choosing not to face it, but to run away from it, am I doing the right thing? What else can i do? How long will i have to elude like this? When will this stop?

Found some very interesting bumper stickers from facebook. See for yourself.

haha.right.

A little faith does wonders? I'll try to believe.

I have got to STOP double blog-posting.

Haha, is this what we call addiction?

Sigh. This will sum up what i am feeling now. Not being cryptic, but make a smart guess. =)

Oops! no, not that one, THIS:

Take one step at a time, or you can just skip

Sonia.

Dumbo, you know ar, when you said you will be leaving today, i was damn traumatized the whole week. Damn short notice ok? And you just had to get yourself sick on sunday, so there goes the plan to meet up one last time.

Still, i love you for all you've done. You can't just throw away 7 years of homie-ness and bitchi-ness. Good luck in UK, don't get rape by Ang Moh's and don't worry. You'll fit in fine.

Not going to say miss you yet, coz technically....i'll be seeing you during prom. Right? right????

NenLin/Tits/NenNen

THIS girl har.....HAIYO!

FIRST! she made me worship her.
SECOND! she can talk about hair (as in head,armpit and pubic one) non-stop.
LASTLY! she made me laugh, rolling on the floor, when i was emo and down.

For that, i thank you tits. And no, my pube still octaganal shaped.

Cheryl

My dear,not-so-old mommy.Thank you for listening to my problems mom. Seriously, you are the only one i can talk too without getting agitated or anything. Sense of calm,Zen. HAHA. and thank you for including me in your prayers, was really touched. Maybe i'll let Him into my life....someday. =)


I was being too narrow-eyed and too conceited. I kept looking down, but never around. I still have friends who really care, and for that, i am grateful.

Yes, for this , i will be less emo. The world isn't hard, it's just complicated.


p/s ohgawdohgawdohgawd, i have tons yet to study, yet still no mojo. die die die.