when my brain starts working.

I sat down last night, and gave my 'problem' some thought.

nonono, not emo. No such thing happened. I just sat there and thought,mused,contemplated. Whichever you like.

It's amazing what one girl can do to you. She single-handedly mouded me into something else. No, she does not know what she has done. She is not stupid, just plain ignorant.

I guess all of this started....probably around the end of last year? I actually refused to acknowledge my feelings for her, insisting that it's probably just some 'brotherly' love going on. Turned out that the so-called brotherly love evolved into something mushy. Very mushy if i may say so.

I remember how happy and thrilled i was when i saw her sms-es. It's nothing really, just the usual 'eh, today what homework' or 'tmwr bring what book?' etc etc. But these little mundane messages, i saved them in my phone, and i find myself occasionally browsing through them.

I remember well too, that those few precious and priceless moments when we had contact. The touch of your hand sends jolts up my spine, and i find myself staring...no gawking into your eyes. And still, i was adamant, passing these 'feelings' off as 'come-&-go' infatuation.

But no, not only did it matured, it blossomed. I can't help myself from talking to you, laughing with you, looking at you or just being with you. Sometimes i wonder, whether i'm taking a risk. What if you figured out that all these 'innocent moments' underlie a secret which could jeopardize our relationship?

FYI, i wan't always strong. No, i'm too sensitive. After my first break-up, i ended up losing faith in all this. I hurt alot and i'm not liking it even one bit. I've had a lot of crushes before, but laugh all you want when i say she, this girl, is totally different. It takes 'infatuation' to a whole new meaning.

i like her a lot. I really do. Don't ask me why. I just like her. As simple as that. Do you really need a reason? Oh, she's not perfect, don't worry. She's a real grouch sometimes, but i still love that. Haha.

I can't face rejection, because i'm afraid. But what's scarier than rejection is the confession. I can't bring myself to blurt out what i feel. I'm afraid. Afraid that our friendship might be strained because of this. I'd rather we still still talk than getting all awkward after my confession.

Having said so, all these months have been a real haze of pain. I've cried, just because of her. Proves how emotional i can get. I've been struggling. Albeit the consequences, i decided that i'll lay out my feelings on the table for her to see. What comes next, happens. At least i can come to terms with myself.

Now....i can't pretend to be normal in front of her now. Regardless of how ignorant she can be, she's bound to notice something's wrong with me. I still enjoy her pressence, but deep down inside, i rather she'd just go away.

you see the contradiction going on here? tsk tsk.

This is what happens when you fall for a girl,your good friend, and you know that it will not bear any results.

Have you ever liked someone this much?

Sigh, so many things left unsaid. It'd probably be better if it stayed that way.

I am, inexpressibly sad.



Another friend of mine asked me whether i would be serious to put commitment in this relationship IF it hits off.

Let me ask back: would SHE even accept me first? Let's not think too far, shall we?