So, the play of childhood has finally come to an end, the curtains fall down and we all take a bow.
Hard to believe is it? I can.
Leaving school wasn't really that hard, in fact, it seemed so...well, normal to me. It's those whom i'm leaving behind and might never see again that's choking me up. Those i love and cherish but never had the chance to express myself. I'll miss all of you, believe me.
I only carry two regrets.
1)No,i did not do it. Yeap,i just ran away, something i'm good at. I did not even say a proper goodbye. So this is me. Sigh. I rather feel physical pain than this. No point saying sorry now, the countdown was redundant. I'm still suffering and i did not make things right. Loser=me.
If only i'd listen to Gabby, Elle or Wei Ren, things might've turned out differently. =(
I still remember so well, that last year, around this time, we were playing that stupid charade game. Haha. Dang, i was good at it, was i not? Oh, and i remembered that Hallo'ween Night. Haha. Good times.
Oh wait, today's Hallo'ween. Minus the celebration. Oh well.
2) Of all my 5 years in CHS, i have never tried our canteen's Chee Cheong Fun. I kid you not.
Words can't express what i'm feeling now. All i know is, it's not something good. But what's done is done. I can only hope the ones i offended will remember me for the good times, if there were any.
so my story ended just like how i predicted, but not the way i wanted it to be.
I did not cry in school, not even close.
so i brought it back home.
EDIT. 11.19pm.
I thought i could lie to myself, convince myself that i'm ok with it.
It was so terribly hard for me. They were just there, dammit, just a goddamn row in front of me. I couldn't even bring myself to be in class, just because they were there. I chose to hide. Fuck. I really hate myself for this. Now, i think i'll wake up every morning, thinking about today.
All this cooked-up drama marinated by myself. And i kept bragging i could cook well.
Fuck this shit.
If someone,anyone, could come up to me now and start whooping me senseless, oh yeah, i'd enjoy that.
I.Need.To.Rip.Something.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
So it turns back to me and gnaws my big flabby ass.
I really don't know whether i should cry or laugh out loud.
I'll settle for both.
These 5 months....approx 150 days, was a living nightmare. A dark void i moulded myself and so blindly drowned in it. I was...well, stupid i guess. No, more than stupid. heh.
Elle was right. Gabby was right. I was wrong, all along, as usual. Why does it take only a few seconds to fall asleep but an eternity to wake up?
No, it's not that i can't, it's not that i won't, but i really can't walk up and say sorry, even if you shower me with all your forgiveness. I hate myself for this. Perhaps i'm wallowing in self-pity, i don't know, but i can't face any of you, after all this. Yea, you could say i'm ashamed of myself.
Yes, coward i am. They say running away is just delaying the problem. Nope, to me, running away is an option. A dumb one, but still a valid option.
Sigh.
True, i probably should've just sucked it up like a man, but i'm a boy. heh.
Still, it was a great pleasure knowing you. It really was. sorry for all the shit you had to take from me. Sorry for all the wrongs i've done. And sorry for not saying sorry earlier than i should have.
I was never to begin with, a good friend. Everyone would do so much better without me.
Tomorrow is graduation. So we can all stop being kids and start acting like the adults we should be. So ends the chapter of childhood. Yeah, memories and regrets, i have tons of them, but as Cheryl said: those are the itsy-bitsy pieces that makes up our high school life.
With that, i end this post with...
1 more day left to suffer, 1 more day left to make things right.
I'll settle for both.
These 5 months....approx 150 days, was a living nightmare. A dark void i moulded myself and so blindly drowned in it. I was...well, stupid i guess. No, more than stupid. heh.
Elle was right. Gabby was right. I was wrong, all along, as usual. Why does it take only a few seconds to fall asleep but an eternity to wake up?
No, it's not that i can't, it's not that i won't, but i really can't walk up and say sorry, even if you shower me with all your forgiveness. I hate myself for this. Perhaps i'm wallowing in self-pity, i don't know, but i can't face any of you, after all this. Yea, you could say i'm ashamed of myself.
Yes, coward i am. They say running away is just delaying the problem. Nope, to me, running away is an option. A dumb one, but still a valid option.
Sigh.
True, i probably should've just sucked it up like a man, but i'm a boy. heh.
Still, it was a great pleasure knowing you. It really was. sorry for all the shit you had to take from me. Sorry for all the wrongs i've done. And sorry for not saying sorry earlier than i should have.
I was never to begin with, a good friend. Everyone would do so much better without me.
Tomorrow is graduation. So we can all stop being kids and start acting like the adults we should be. So ends the chapter of childhood. Yeah, memories and regrets, i have tons of them, but as Cheryl said: those are the itsy-bitsy pieces that makes up our high school life.
With that, i end this post with...
1 more day left to suffer, 1 more day left to make things right.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
No more.
Dang, i had this wonderful post all figured out in my head last night. Sadly, when i woke up today, it's all gone.
oh well.
2 more days left to suffer, 2 more days left to make things right.
oh well.
2 more days left to suffer, 2 more days left to make things right.
Friday, October 24, 2008
An actor with a stone mask. Tripped.
His head is buried in his hands.
He sighs. Shudders.
He looks at the names. The photos.
He tries to smile,to look happy.
He knows,
He is lying to himself.
He, deep down, really wants to be in the picture too.
He regrets.
He still wants it back.
He knows it's probably too late.
He failed to keep his promise.
He decides to cry...no,sleep it off.
He ends this post.
7 more days left to suffer, 7 more days left to make things right.
He sighs. Shudders.
He looks at the names. The photos.
He tries to smile,to look happy.
He knows,
He is lying to himself.
He, deep down, really wants to be in the picture too.
He regrets.
He still wants it back.
He knows it's probably too late.
He failed to keep his promise.
He decides to cry...no,sleep it off.
He ends this post.
7 more days left to suffer, 7 more days left to make things right.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Read me like a book,with no happily ever after.
I know i may sound like a whiner, but i really do feel like i'm totally forgotten. No, not the right word, more like abandoned. No, still not appropriate. How about...a-guy-who-is-such-an-asshole-that-i-don't-need-in-my-life-so-i'm-moving-on.
Bingo. Dead center.
It may not look like it,but i'm still making the effort....
8 more days left to suffer, 8 more days to make things right.
*dammit, single digit liao ar?*
Bingo. Dead center.
It may not look like it,but i'm still making the effort....
8 more days left to suffer, 8 more days to make things right.
*dammit, single digit liao ar?*
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Was I too close for comfort?
10 more days to suffer, 10 more days to make things right.
i still miss you guys like nuts. And so, the final countdown begins. Any mystical power in the world, please grant me divine strength and courage to go through these 10 days.
EDIT.
If time would heal all, then why am i still here? Can you give me a reason for coming out of my closet? When it is so nice and dark and warm in here.I can hear the vampire bats of death flapping away in my head like an insane drill of doom. I know, i might sound crazy, or maybe i am, but what’s the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable?
I wish I was a duck, then I wouldn’t have to give a damn y’know? I could just sit there in the pond and float about, eating scraps of bread. It’s my idea of heaven y’know? Perhaps that’s what happens when you die and you’ve been good! You go to the great pond on the sky where the Lord will feed you bits of bread for all eternity. Ohmigawd. I wish. =(
If God exists why did He have to give me such a horrible looking body? I mean what’s the point in having nipples if you are a man? I’ve tried biting them off but I doubt I could handle the pain. I don’t know what I’d say to my mom on the way to the hospital either. ok...random-ness overload.
But still, life can't be that bad, y'know. I probably need to look things from a new perspective.
I tried. Failed.
Now I'm driven to be ten times better than you think I am. Piece by piece I've built my walls and burned the bridges down that leads back to people like you. Eventhough i'm still like this now,i'm not being a loser,this is an art of accepting the truth...even though it is painful.
i still miss you guys like nuts. And so, the final countdown begins. Any mystical power in the world, please grant me divine strength and courage to go through these 10 days.
EDIT.
If time would heal all, then why am i still here? Can you give me a reason for coming out of my closet? When it is so nice and dark and warm in here.I can hear the vampire bats of death flapping away in my head like an insane drill of doom. I know, i might sound crazy, or maybe i am, but what’s the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable?
I wish I was a duck, then I wouldn’t have to give a damn y’know? I could just sit there in the pond and float about, eating scraps of bread. It’s my idea of heaven y’know? Perhaps that’s what happens when you die and you’ve been good! You go to the great pond on the sky where the Lord will feed you bits of bread for all eternity. Ohmigawd. I wish. =(
If God exists why did He have to give me such a horrible looking body? I mean what’s the point in having nipples if you are a man? I’ve tried biting them off but I doubt I could handle the pain. I don’t know what I’d say to my mom on the way to the hospital either. ok...random-ness overload.
But still, life can't be that bad, y'know. I probably need to look things from a new perspective.
I tried. Failed.
Now I'm driven to be ten times better than you think I am. Piece by piece I've built my walls and burned the bridges down that leads back to people like you. Eventhough i'm still like this now,i'm not being a loser,this is an art of accepting the truth...even though it is painful.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Drowning or suffocating? Vote.
So again, i did it cowardly. I couldn't even make a call. Just a plain message that sounded so insincere. And i keep telling myself, the message will disintergrate instantly when it's read.
It's not OK.
Sigh, fatigue comes in once more, entering without knocking on my door. It takes so much out of you just to be your old-self. A few more days, that's all, a few more days then i can drop this act.
I remember i once told myself i kept this small little hope.
i think it's really gone.
13 more days left to suffer, 13 more days left to make things right.
It's not OK.
Sigh, fatigue comes in once more, entering without knocking on my door. It takes so much out of you just to be your old-self. A few more days, that's all, a few more days then i can drop this act.
I remember i once told myself i kept this small little hope.
i think it's really gone.
13 more days left to suffer, 13 more days left to make things right.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Cry as i may these tears won't wash you away.
Sometimes you dont realize how much you care for someone until they stop caring for you. Yea, i learned that the hard way.
A friend of mine once told me this funny little quote that got me smiling: the memories you have are sometimes worth the pain. Haha, can't fault you there. I'm learning slowly on how to hold on to those beautiful moments and forget the bad times. I'm slow, but i'm getting there.
Sorry to all those that still care for me, i'm over that stage now. Won't think and do silly things anymore.
When I see you smile and know that it's not for me, that's when I miss you the most.
18 more days left to suffer, 18 more days left to make things right.
A friend of mine once told me this funny little quote that got me smiling: the memories you have are sometimes worth the pain. Haha, can't fault you there. I'm learning slowly on how to hold on to those beautiful moments and forget the bad times. I'm slow, but i'm getting there.
Sorry to all those that still care for me, i'm over that stage now. Won't think and do silly things anymore.
When I see you smile and know that it's not for me, that's when I miss you the most.
18 more days left to suffer, 18 more days left to make things right.
Friday, October 10, 2008
A letter that has not been posted.
There are people in this life for whom even the best of things don’t work out. They could wear cashmere suits and still look like idiots, be very rich but badly in debt, be tall but lousy at basketball (hint). I now realize that I’m one of that species who can’t get the best from their advantages in life, for whom those advantages are even a drawback.
Perhaps I’ve been looking at things from the wrong perspective, maybe, I don’t know. All I know is, it’s too late for me. Even somehow, by some unlikely miracle, I go back to what things were, the magnitude of the damage done is too great, the scars will be visible, it won’t be the same anymore.
It’s like you’ve been living your life in this great big,blue bubble. You’re happily floating and living the way you want to. But the subtlest change that happens so spontaneously pops that great bubble, and you fall, never hitting solid ground. You grasp and thrash in the air, but the bubbles don’t come back.
I was never emotionally strong to begin with. I was always conscious about my short-comings, not that I didn’t do anything about it. I tried. But we’ve all got to learn that sometimes, trying isn’t good enough. All my years, I have made friends. But do you have someone, regardless of gender, whom you so affectionately call your ‘Best Friend’? He or she is the someone who understands you when you don’t. I have no one to give that title to.
I’m not being ungrateful or spiteful here. I’m just speaking out the truth in my mind. God knows how many wonderful individuals that have walked into my life, but I just let them walk past me,unnoticed. I took them for granted, and now I’m paying the price.
Ok, I know my life may be better than some other sad, unfortunate soul. But I’m not making comparisons here, I’m more concerned about me. I think, for once I’m going to be honest, that my worst weakness is that I don’t appreciate things, I treat them too lightly. And that’s how I treated the friendships that were shown to me.
I’ve had time. Months. Me, struggling to find words, just to make it sound right, to tell them how sorry I was. But no, that was just an excuse. Truth be told, I was…am afraid to face my mistakes. Maybe I wanted to run away. Maybe I wanted the easy way out, where if I just ignored the problem, it would patch itself up. All because I’m not brave enough.
So it all comes down to this: No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I regret now, it is too late. Yes, it hurts. It hurts when you see you are so easily overlooked in their lives, hurts when you know you don’t matter, hurts when you know you’re the cause of all this. And now, I’ve chosen to put on a mask, one that is flamboyant and fake, to scatter dust over my companion’s eyes. To make them think i can go on fine without them too.
But it’s a tiresome routine.
All this now is just hogwash. No point trying to get the message across so subtly now. Yet, in the deepest bowels of my little heart, I hope, somehow,someday, my dear friends would know, just how much they mean in my life, how much I love them. I won’t blame you if you won’t forgive me, but I just want to let you know how sorry I am.
From,
Victor.
p/s: i've gushed everything out now. at least this knot inside me has loosened up a little.
Perhaps I’ve been looking at things from the wrong perspective, maybe, I don’t know. All I know is, it’s too late for me. Even somehow, by some unlikely miracle, I go back to what things were, the magnitude of the damage done is too great, the scars will be visible, it won’t be the same anymore.
It’s like you’ve been living your life in this great big,blue bubble. You’re happily floating and living the way you want to. But the subtlest change that happens so spontaneously pops that great bubble, and you fall, never hitting solid ground. You grasp and thrash in the air, but the bubbles don’t come back.
I was never emotionally strong to begin with. I was always conscious about my short-comings, not that I didn’t do anything about it. I tried. But we’ve all got to learn that sometimes, trying isn’t good enough. All my years, I have made friends. But do you have someone, regardless of gender, whom you so affectionately call your ‘Best Friend’? He or she is the someone who understands you when you don’t. I have no one to give that title to.
I’m not being ungrateful or spiteful here. I’m just speaking out the truth in my mind. God knows how many wonderful individuals that have walked into my life, but I just let them walk past me,unnoticed. I took them for granted, and now I’m paying the price.
Ok, I know my life may be better than some other sad, unfortunate soul. But I’m not making comparisons here, I’m more concerned about me. I think, for once I’m going to be honest, that my worst weakness is that I don’t appreciate things, I treat them too lightly. And that’s how I treated the friendships that were shown to me.
I’ve had time. Months. Me, struggling to find words, just to make it sound right, to tell them how sorry I was. But no, that was just an excuse. Truth be told, I was…am afraid to face my mistakes. Maybe I wanted to run away. Maybe I wanted the easy way out, where if I just ignored the problem, it would patch itself up. All because I’m not brave enough.
So it all comes down to this: No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I regret now, it is too late. Yes, it hurts. It hurts when you see you are so easily overlooked in their lives, hurts when you know you don’t matter, hurts when you know you’re the cause of all this. And now, I’ve chosen to put on a mask, one that is flamboyant and fake, to scatter dust over my companion’s eyes. To make them think i can go on fine without them too.
But it’s a tiresome routine.
All this now is just hogwash. No point trying to get the message across so subtly now. Yet, in the deepest bowels of my little heart, I hope, somehow,someday, my dear friends would know, just how much they mean in my life, how much I love them. I won’t blame you if you won’t forgive me, but I just want to let you know how sorry I am.
From,
Victor.
p/s: i've gushed everything out now. at least this knot inside me has loosened up a little.
End of the line.
Our only freedom is death ; death means finding freedom.21 days left to suffer, 21 days left to make things right.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Bring it all back, all the way home.
I wonder if this was supposed to be my life? the one i'm living in right now.
I've lost most of my sanity...if not all. I can't think rasionally. This pain in my heart over-rides everything. Dammit, it hurts so bad that i actually wince.
I'm so tempted to end everything right now. I mean, i don't think i have anymore strength to take it.
22 more days left to suffer, 22 more days to make things right.
but i don't think i can last those 22 days. Goodbye world.
I've lost most of my sanity...if not all. I can't think rasionally. This pain in my heart over-rides everything. Dammit, it hurts so bad that i actually wince.
I'm so tempted to end everything right now. I mean, i don't think i have anymore strength to take it.
22 more days left to suffer, 22 more days to make things right.
but i don't think i can last those 22 days. Goodbye world.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
One last song...the last one. No more.
I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush
What a rush
'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me
It's just too much
Just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized
So mesmerized
And I've just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away
Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging,
Spending time, girl,
are we just friends
Is there more
Is there more
See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this
Into something that'll last
Last forever
Forever
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away
Why do I keep running from the truth(Why do I keep running)
All I ever think about is you(All I ever think about)
You got me hypnotized(Hypnotized)
So mesmerized(mesmerized)
And I've just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away
24 more days left to suffer, 24 more days left to make things right.
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush
What a rush
'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me
It's just too much
Just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized
So mesmerized
And I've just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away
Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging,
Spending time, girl,
are we just friends
Is there more
Is there more
See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this
Into something that'll last
Last forever
Forever
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away
Why do I keep running from the truth(Why do I keep running)
All I ever think about is you(All I ever think about)
You got me hypnotized(Hypnotized)
So mesmerized(mesmerized)
And I've just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going away
Going away
24 more days left to suffer, 24 more days left to make things right.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Complicatedly Simple,that sums it up.
I'm a big time failure.
I wasn't one to begin with(or so i feel), i slowly became who i am today, a slow and arduous progress.
I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. Nothing i do seems to work out the right way, nothing i hope for seems to come true, no matter how hard i try. Or maybe i'm just not trying hard enough and gave up mid-way.
I wonder what really triggered this change? How did i end up like this?
Yea, i whine a lot, sorry about that.
I'm sorry to say, i have thousands of black thoughts and ill-feelings hidden within me. I keep thinking, constantly, about my friends. I disgust myself, but i keep thinking they all hate me, bent on bringing me down,laughing behind my back and watching me suffer. I know, paranoia sets in.
I can't help it. I wish people would stop saying this is a stage where 'the hormones just set in, it'll pass'. No,i know it's something more,something much deeper.
I just need someone....someone to just tell me what to do.
25 more days to suffer, 25 more days to make things right.
I wasn't one to begin with(or so i feel), i slowly became who i am today, a slow and arduous progress.
I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. Nothing i do seems to work out the right way, nothing i hope for seems to come true, no matter how hard i try. Or maybe i'm just not trying hard enough and gave up mid-way.
I wonder what really triggered this change? How did i end up like this?
Yea, i whine a lot, sorry about that.
I'm sorry to say, i have thousands of black thoughts and ill-feelings hidden within me. I keep thinking, constantly, about my friends. I disgust myself, but i keep thinking they all hate me, bent on bringing me down,laughing behind my back and watching me suffer. I know, paranoia sets in.
I can't help it. I wish people would stop saying this is a stage where 'the hormones just set in, it'll pass'. No,i know it's something more,something much deeper.
I just need someone....someone to just tell me what to do.
25 more days to suffer, 25 more days to make things right.
Friday, October 3, 2008
It's so wonderful,absolutely absorbing. Downright depressing.
I know my future's at stake.
My grades aren't really going up as i expected it to be...no wait, i was expecting this. Heck, the lack of study and concentration really takes a toll on my grades.
No, i don't think i'll blame anyone but myself. I'm not giving myself an excuse, but there's no point denying that my erm...'problems' and so-called 'emo-ness' has affected my study mojo.
Dammit, i hate being so weak. Snivelling around like this, i hate it.
so glad you can't see me when i'm behind locked doors.
28 more days left to suffer, 28 more days left to make things right.
My grades aren't really going up as i expected it to be...no wait, i was expecting this. Heck, the lack of study and concentration really takes a toll on my grades.
No, i don't think i'll blame anyone but myself. I'm not giving myself an excuse, but there's no point denying that my erm...'problems' and so-called 'emo-ness' has affected my study mojo.
Dammit, i hate being so weak. Snivelling around like this, i hate it.
so glad you can't see me when i'm behind locked doors.
28 more days left to suffer, 28 more days left to make things right.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself.
It's been more or less 4 months since i last saw a message appear on my cell with your name on it.
Wow, persistent huh?
Oh well, what am i to do? I rather live my life laughing out loud...for real. I mean, it's just so hard to be normal these days. One problem stacks itself on another, and i'm on the ground floor, compressed tighter than Pamela Anderson's boobs.
The popularity of an individual in life often only manifests itself in death, this is what i sincerely believe in.
I am so close of giving up now. On you and myself.
Anymore of this,my will snaps, and then i'll be living out my beliefs as stated above.
29 more days left to suffer, 29 more days to make things right.
Wow, persistent huh?
Oh well, what am i to do? I rather live my life laughing out loud...for real. I mean, it's just so hard to be normal these days. One problem stacks itself on another, and i'm on the ground floor, compressed tighter than Pamela Anderson's boobs.
The popularity of an individual in life often only manifests itself in death, this is what i sincerely believe in.
I am so close of giving up now. On you and myself.
Anymore of this,my will snaps, and then i'll be living out my beliefs as stated above.
29 more days left to suffer, 29 more days to make things right.
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