the Apologies and Gratitudes

To Shin,

Sorry for all the wrongs i've done to you. You're like one of the few whom i can really talk to, and you're holding my BIGGEST secret. Haha. Seriously, you've dealt with my emo-ness and grouchiness, and i don't blame you for snapping in the end. God knows everyone's got limits. SORRY LA! I WON'T MAKE FUN OF YOUR TAMAGOTCHI ANYMORE LA!To Jess,

Ok...we've kinda like...fallen apart i guess? What gives? I really miss those dumb moments we had last time. If it's something i did or said, please tell me, so i can make things up to you.The vibe you're giving out damn scary la. Sorry for the shit you got from me.

To BrianC and Thambi,

you two are like my bro's la. Goddam lucky to know you guys. I know i'm not perfect, and i've like pissed you guys off sometimes. But i'ma change for the better, so thank you for being my friend. Let's Jam more la dammit.

To Mommy Cheryl,

Omg, mommy i love you the most la. Yea, you might've forgotten, but sorry about that night, in Supercamp, where i kinda like pissed everyone off? Sigh, you comfort me the most la. Love you loads too. Thanks and sorry for everything.

To Sonia,my bitch,

Bitch do me. HAHA! 7 years of bitch-bitch relationship, and i'm loving every moment of it. Yea, you might not know, but heck, you're somewhat a sister to me. Hell, i know i pissed ya off COUNTLESS of times, and here i stand...or type, to say i'm very sorry for everything i've done to offend you. You my tightest and midget-iest bitch. Hearts to you.

To Hweeling,

Haha. Blue house and interact. That's how we met wasn't it? Aiya you damn cute la. Just wanna say sorry for FFK-ing you the H&G concert. You got my vote for next year's Blue House Captain!

To Muimui Vivian,

aiya mui, you know i'll always love you la. Sorry for like, not able to keep the promises i've made. I'll be a better brother to you. So now...let's see what i owe you:

1)movie

2)shopping trip

3)lunch and dinner

4)B'day and X'mas presents.

Also,

To JieYi and Bunny Aun,

OMFG! I CAN'T BELIEVE I DON'T HAVE A PICTURE WITH YOU BOTH!!!! ARGH!!

Anyways, i know you 2 love me the most la.(perasan) HAHAHAAH. Thank you for caring always.

To Gabek,

won't call you Changi anymore la, can't call you that anyways, coz you not changi anymore. Mt. Everest lor. HAHA. dumb bitch. I'm not pregnant.

To Elle,

Aiyo..........all our pictures together i lost em when i reformatted my comp. Anyways, yea, i enjoy our heart-to-heart talks la. HAHA! seriously, you're the only person whom i can talk about......that subject. Love you loads.

P.S : you not fat la bitch.

Funny moment of the day: My dad thinks my mom is a raving lunatic. You should've see him complaining to me about her. HAHA.

it's still hard,

but i'm trying my best.

I'm still trying.

=(

no no, not EMO! i swear i'm not emo, i'm just sad.

Sigh, just when i wanted to start anew, everything had to fall apart.

I guess the patching up would be harder than i thought. this is gonna take a looooooooooooooooonnngggg time to mend.

I'm really,really sorry. I'm still the clueless dungu who tak tau apa dia telah buat.




and my parents won't let me go to the Rotaract Gathering. Bummer. and i can't go out to other functions too. Unofficially grounded. Double bummer.



BUT I'M STILL LEARNING HOW TO SMILE! =D

Looking from the outside

previous post deleted

It's about high time that i start afresh.

I'll forget about all the what-if's and work hard to be the old me again. I hate the now me as much as you do, so i'm changing for the better.

I know i've said this before, but i promise, i'll try EXTRA harder this time.


It's time for me to learn how to smile properly again. =D



Sorry to all the friends i offended, hurt or ignored. You deserve better from me.

Thank You to all the friends who cared. Your concern really touched me. Won't take you guys for granted ever again.




SO WHAT IF I CAN'T GET HER? THERE ARE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER FISH IN THE SEA! I'm bound to catch one.....someday. Maybe i'm just not good enough for her.


I'll work harder on my grades. I'll practise more on my drums. I'll try to patch things up and fix the wrongs i've done. I wanna make up for the lost time.

I wanna forget about her. And that's what i'll do, eventhough it'll hurt the most.


'sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing to do are the same'

What happened to me?

Not having a good day.

I was that close from breaking down in class today.

I disgust myself.



I just want us to start talking again. I can hide my feelings for you, i can bury it in the depths of my heart, so let us start talking again. I really miss those moments. Please, stop ignoring me. It really hurts in the inside.

I'm just a kid. Now, where have i heard that one?

Nyek nyek nyek.

Screw the what-shit hibernation crap la. I'm back blogging and onlining.

Why?

COZ I DID NOT FAIL 4 SUBJECTS!

YES I DID NOT!









i only failed 3......passed sejarah lah. i mean, who fails sejarah? who can? it's just too absurd. =D


Oh my god, i've been looking at things so narrowly that i've forgotten to widen my horizons. So what if my now-friends-turning-into-strangers are forsakening me? I got other friends who really care for me, friends i've neglected myself, friends i took granted for.

Thank you for being there for me. and fuck you again. If you hate me that much.....go on and continue being the grouch you are, god knows i need it. Maybe it's even better this way, you hating me. Ignore me. Throw everything you got at me. Who knows? i might turn out stronger after all this.


I've been relating my life to music lately. My iTunes have been replaying this playlist countless of times-Emo Time. Haha, collections of emo songs? Not really, dish in a few angry songs too, then that sums up my life pretty nicely. When i lose myself in those slow tunes and notes, then i only find myself able to breathe.

In and out. In and out.

My problems....not that i don't wanna share it, but it's just too complicated that i can't even put them into words. First there's her,then my friends, then my studies, then family.

Fucked up life would be good here.


I have to stop crying. I have to stop weeping like a little kid in 2am in the morning. i'm 17. i'm supposed to be stronger than this. (this is a confession. *shakes head*)


and you still never care.






I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends
but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight...

And maybe when the night is dead,
I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time,
I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own
and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid [repeat x5]

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world.
I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight



Cause I'm just a kid tonight

Honesty is bestowed unto myself

I shall come to terms with myself....for the second time.
I shall continue where i left off.









fuck you la, you stupid bitch. This is all your fault.



dang, i've been dying to say that. Who knew a girl, a mere 17 year old girl could minimize and cut me down into something so puny and pathetic?

i hope someday, i'll be able to look back and say: what a jerk i was.

But, alas, no.

I don't think i'm feeling sorry for myself or whatsoever, 'coz i pretty sure i got my feelings for her worked out, and the verdict is: it's quite serious. I feel that this ain't your typical teenage crush, it's something more.

But(there's always a but),she doesn't have the faintest notion of what's going on in my head. or for that matter, my heart.

I guess what i want now is, at least, some positive response from her. She's been treating me pretty coldly these few months, i don't know what triggered the change, but i ain't liking it one bit. What did i do? What did she do?

Now, i can't even look at her. If i do, by chance, i feel myself falling apart, breaking down in the inside. Oh, the dreaded mood swings. How am i gonna face her when.......sigh.

I need a friend.seriously, for once, a real friend.
A friend who really listens to my problems,
and not just wanting to get something 'juicy' from me.
A friend who actually sympathises my plight,
and not just scorn at me and label me emo.

Sadly, i see no such person.
i think i got a lot of friends, but i don't hear from them.
i don't even have best friend to begin with. Truly, this is SHIT? Please, God, send someone my way who i can cry out my woes to him/her. I really need help.






Note to self:
Don't waste your whole time trying to get something which is taking away.

Stop It.

Why?













it really is a wonder that it was only last week i was jotting this down in my notebook:

It's fine.
It's adequate.
It's quite gratifying
but it's fine, really.

My yesterday.
My joy.
I'm a guy
who drowns himself
in his yesterdays
just because of you.

Elation,
when you smile at me.
Euphoric,
when you touch me.
Exciting,
when you talk to me.
Extraordinary,
you make my day.

Even if i would walk Today,
still i would find
myself in Yesterday.
Nevermind about Tomorrow,
It can wait.





....


and now glory be! i'm singing a totally different tune now.
I really can't get any closer to her, can I? I mean, i'm like the Hulk. When he gets pissed off, he turns green and big. Me? I'm the Sulk. When i get near her and start thinking about....'things', I....well...I sulk.



Why?






p/s actually,i'm not supposed to use the compute anymore. Curi-curi blog now. This blog will enter semi-hibernation state. Might do some occasional update if i get the chance. Till then.