the countdown ends.

So, the play of childhood has finally come to an end, the curtains fall down and we all take a bow.

Hard to believe is it? I can.

Leaving school wasn't really that hard, in fact, it seemed so...well, normal to me. It's those whom i'm leaving behind and might never see again that's choking me up. Those i love and cherish but never had the chance to express myself. I'll miss all of you, believe me.

I only carry two regrets.

1)No,i did not do it. Yeap,i just ran away, something i'm good at. I did not even say a proper goodbye. So this is me. Sigh. I rather feel physical pain than this. No point saying sorry now, the countdown was redundant. I'm still suffering and i did not make things right. Loser=me.

If only i'd listen to Gabby, Elle or Wei Ren, things might've turned out differently. =(

I still remember so well, that last year, around this time, we were playing that stupid charade game. Haha. Dang, i was good at it, was i not? Oh, and i remembered that Hallo'ween Night. Haha. Good times.

Oh wait, today's Hallo'ween. Minus the celebration. Oh well.

2) Of all my 5 years in CHS, i have never tried our canteen's Chee Cheong Fun. I kid you not.

Words can't express what i'm feeling now. All i know is, it's not something good. But what's done is done. I can only hope the ones i offended will remember me for the good times, if there were any.

so my story ended just like how i predicted, but not the way i wanted it to be.

I did not cry in school, not even close.

so i brought it back home.

EDIT. 11.19pm.

I thought i could lie to myself, convince myself that i'm ok with it.
It was so terribly hard for me. They were just there, dammit, just a goddamn row in front of me. I couldn't even bring myself to be in class, just because they were there. I chose to hide. Fuck. I really hate myself for this. Now, i think i'll wake up every morning, thinking about today.

All this cooked-up drama marinated by myself. And i kept bragging i could cook well.
Fuck this shit.
If someone,anyone, could come up to me now and start whooping me senseless, oh yeah, i'd enjoy that.

I.Need.To.Rip.Something.

So it turns back to me and gnaws my big flabby ass.

I really don't know whether i should cry or laugh out loud.

I'll settle for both.

These 5 months....approx 150 days, was a living nightmare. A dark void i moulded myself and so blindly drowned in it. I was...well, stupid i guess. No, more than stupid. heh.

Elle was right. Gabby was right. I was wrong, all along, as usual. Why does it take only a few seconds to fall asleep but an eternity to wake up?

No, it's not that i can't, it's not that i won't, but i really can't walk up and say sorry, even if you shower me with all your forgiveness. I hate myself for this. Perhaps i'm wallowing in self-pity, i don't know, but i can't face any of you, after all this. Yea, you could say i'm ashamed of myself.

Yes, coward i am. They say running away is just delaying the problem. Nope, to me, running away is an option. A dumb one, but still a valid option.

Sigh.

True, i probably should've just sucked it up like a man, but i'm a boy. heh.

Still, it was a great pleasure knowing you. It really was. sorry for all the shit you had to take from me. Sorry for all the wrongs i've done. And sorry for not saying sorry earlier than i should have.

I was never to begin with, a good friend. Everyone would do so much better without me.

Tomorrow is graduation. So we can all stop being kids and start acting like the adults we should be. So ends the chapter of childhood. Yeah, memories and regrets, i have tons of them, but as Cheryl said: those are the itsy-bitsy pieces that makes up our high school life.

With that, i end this post with...

1 more day left to suffer, 1 more day left to make things right.

No more.

Dang, i had this wonderful post all figured out in my head last night. Sadly, when i woke up today, it's all gone.

oh well.

2 more days left to suffer, 2 more days left to make things right.

An actor with a stone mask. Tripped.

His head is buried in his hands.
He sighs. Shudders.
He looks at the names. The photos.
He tries to smile,to look happy.
He knows,
He is lying to himself.
He, deep down, really wants to be in the picture too.
He regrets.
He still wants it back.
He knows it's probably too late.
He failed to keep his promise.
He decides to cry...no,sleep it off.
He ends this post.


7 more days left to suffer, 7 more days left to make things right.

Read me like a book,with no happily ever after.

I know i may sound like a whiner, but i really do feel like i'm totally forgotten. No, not the right word, more like abandoned. No, still not appropriate. How about...a-guy-who-is-such-an-asshole-that-i-don't-need-in-my-life-so-i'm-moving-on.

Bingo. Dead center.

It may not look like it,but i'm still making the effort....


8 more days left to suffer, 8 more days to make things right.

*dammit, single digit liao ar?*

Was I too close for comfort?

10 more days to suffer, 10 more days to make things right.

i still miss you guys like nuts. And so, the final countdown begins. Any mystical power in the world, please grant me divine strength and courage to go through these 10 days.

EDIT.

If time would heal all, then why am i still here? Can you give me a reason for coming out of my closet? When it is so nice and dark and warm in here.I can hear the vampire bats of death flapping away in my head like an insane drill of doom. I know, i might sound crazy, or maybe i am, but what’s the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable?

I wish I was a duck, then I wouldn’t have to give a damn y’know? I could just sit there in the pond and float about, eating scraps of bread. It’s my idea of heaven y’know? Perhaps that’s what happens when you die and you’ve been good! You go to the great pond on the sky where the Lord will feed you bits of bread for all eternity. Ohmigawd. I wish. =(

If God exists why did He have to give me such a horrible looking body? I mean what’s the point in having nipples if you are a man? I’ve tried biting them off but I doubt I could handle the pain. I don’t know what I’d say to my mom on the way to the hospital either. ok...random-ness overload.

But still, life can't be that bad, y'know. I probably need to look things from a new perspective.

I tried. Failed.

Now I'm driven to be ten times better than you think I am. Piece by piece I've built my walls and burned the bridges down that leads back to people like you. Eventhough i'm still like this now,i'm not being a loser,this is an art of accepting the truth...even though it is painful.

Drowning or suffocating? Vote.

So again, i did it cowardly. I couldn't even make a call. Just a plain message that sounded so insincere. And i keep telling myself, the message will disintergrate instantly when it's read.

It's not OK.

Sigh, fatigue comes in once more, entering without knocking on my door. It takes so much out of you just to be your old-self. A few more days, that's all, a few more days then i can drop this act.

I remember i once told myself i kept this small little hope.






i think it's really gone.

13 more days left to suffer, 13 more days left to make things right.