The heart never lies.

What a day. Emotions whirled up together, blended with the wrong molarity. Overload.

I am still in denial. I still do not believe that so much can change in such a short period of time. I can't believe that all i've built up can be so fragile, breaks so easily, so replacable.

And i am still the world's number one obsessive liar....ok not liar, but more like a guy who can't keep his word.

I said i won't be emo. Look at me now.

I said i'll study. No progress so far.

I said i'll make things up, apologize. But now....oh god, i can't face another day living in this situation.


I am so sick of being someone i'm not. Seriously, i hate it when i laugh so forcefully, it doesn't even sound like me. I cannot pretend to be happy when i am seriously NOT. BUT i can't be emo too, 'coz then i get fingers pointed at me.

Sooo effin tired.






however, i did manage to get a line! wow, i can't believe how happy i was then,eventhough it was short-lived happiness.


I can't describe that pain, that sourness, that tightness in my heart i experience every single night. not dramatizing here, but yea, i do get suicidal thoughts on and off. Ergh.


Dammit, i gotta stop staring at my MSN online list. It's just so hard to refrain myself from clicking that name....


Oh, i can go on and on. But what's the point?





someone bestow me the courage i need.
how do I say sorry?

The turning point

I've been thinking(again)...

I think i can safely label myself 'emo' now. Henceforth, i shall not deny vehemently i'm emo. I embrace my emo-ness.

It's part of growing up,as a friend once said to me.

If i don't have the courage to turn back,
at least i have the courage to move on...
but i don't want to.

Bah. Random ramblings.


As of the more observant people, i've changed my blog skin. Credits to Elyse again. I have undone the cbox. I mean, what's the point of it anyway?

New story too at www.victorsheartstories.blogspot.com . PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!!



Today...

BrianC: Eh dude, it's time you forget about her la. Go catch other fish.

Me: Sorry la, i'm out of bait.

When negative vibes get to you

Wow, i feel how BrianC felt back then. I really wanna leave this place, and start anew.

I am very tired, emotionally. I do not know how long i can last anymore.

I was never right.
I was never brave.
I was never good enough.
I was never like this.

Maybe Ian was right all along.





p/s watch Red Cliff, a true epic movie.

You look into the mirror with closed eyes.

Ergh.
Entering the sixth week now.
I don't know how much longer i can take this, it's....painful. Damn painful.

Yea. Pathethic, i know. You don't have to constantly remind of the fact that i'm a useless FAT bum. I'm sorry, but i'm just not.....like that. I mean, i don't do well with words and all those shits. I'm a coward, i admit that.

Maybe i just don't know what to say.
Or maybe i just don't wanna face my mistakes.

How can i seek forgiveness
when i can't even forgive myself?

It started as a crush,it ended meaning everything in my life.

Ignore the post title.

Created a new blog.

www.victorsheartstories.blogspot.com

It's my new story blog, all the short stories, including Little Boy are there. I'll be posting my stories there, so please check it out. Leave some comments too! Arigato


Yea,i'm still emo about yesterday. It really hurt ok?

It's the feeling of stepping into a blender

The GOOD
1) omg, i was so touched by all the sms-es. Mommy cheryl even sang me a birthday song. Sob. and thank you ee lynn for the best birthday present.
2)Sausage fest at OU with ah neh,thambi and brainC. Haha, enjoyed the talk.
3)thank you for the cake and presents from family.

The BAD
1)parents argued, on my b'day. WTF
2)remembered my problems when i woke up this morning
3)did not have a party
4)emo
5)10 more minutes and my 17th birthday goes 'poof' just like that. Bit disappointed,really.
6)i really want to cry.
7)i am still waiting,but what the hell, why am i dreaming?


Hmm...BAD seems to outnumber the GOOD. Bit sad.

All and all, not one of my better birthdays. Ho-hum.
i'ma cry myself to sleep now.


i'm serious.

I don't care or i don't know. It's just the same.

Still having mixed feelings.

Still struggling to say what i'm supposed to say.

Still like this.

Oh well, at times like this, i'm glad that i got my short stories to keep me occupied.
Presenting you the final part of 'Little Boy'. Please don't be too critical, i'm just a 17 year old student. Thank you.


'Little Boy' Part III:Exodus
It's raining.
At least that is what
Little Boy think is happening.
Woe betide.

Yes,
thinking,musing
contemplating.
Little Boy has finally
found a conclusion:
Time is a Devil.

Time flies past so fast
when you are basking in
warm moments.
Time crawls like a prisoner binded with shackles
when you are drowning in grief.
Time is indeed evil.
It cackles at us,mortals.
That is what Little Boy thinks.

He sums up his new aphorism:
Friends make a Man
or break Him.

On the flat,cold rock
Little Boy sits,haggard.
He likes to think
that he is missed,yearned.
He gazes up to the vast dark sky
blinking away the raindrops,
searching for a message bird,
hoping it would deliver him
a letter, a note,
anything.

But he waits in vain.
The clouds part,laughing.
The night sky is unveiled,winking.
Still,
not a single life form is seen.
Little Boy has run out of tears.

He rises,
his hands outstreched,eyes shut.
He listens to the whispers of the wind
straining to catch some faint murmur.
He is dreaming. Again.

Faint,unsteady footsteps.
Little Boy turns to see
Old Man hobbling towards him.
Little Boy stares,
Old Man smiles.

'So Little Boy,have you enjoyed your little trip to the Dark Realm?'

'I cannot go any further,i have not the will, nor the have the strength to go back.'

Old Man smiles ruefully
'Things can always be mended'

Little Boy recites his new aphorism to Old Man.
Old Man remains silent for a while,
then shakes his ancient head.

'What do you intend to do now?'

'What am i supposed to do?'

'What do you want now?'

'What do i want?'
Little Boy feels the old
misery rising like a tide.
He remembers vividly his dancing days
and most of all
his dancing friends...
friends...

'I want to go back,
but before that,
I want the courage to say,to speak
I want a chance
I want to stop all this self-brought grief
I want to make things right again.
Is that too much to ask?'

Then suddenly,
a dark blue raven,
perched on the spot
where the Old Man was standing,
appeared.
It turned its handsome head,
and nodded,perceptively.
It spreaded its wings
and took flight.
Little Boy watched it go,
at long last,smiling.

He knew,somehow,
the raven will bring
his heart to his friend.
Something snapped within him.
Little Boy stood,
and took a step,
not forward,but backward.
A step,a shuffle,a jog,a sprint
Little Boy,screaming his heart out,
finally begins his long run
back home.