Kill kill kill

kill kill kill



this blog.





I've killed this blog, resurructed it, and now i'm killing it again. for good this time.



I thought this was my place to hide, to cry.



But it's a place where i've turned myself into something....i don't even know.



So here ends http://www.victorissonotyoula.blogspot.com/. 5th November 2008









pssstt....go to http://www.theworldaintemo.blogspot.com/ teehee

So i was blind, but a blind man still can feel too.

I've been fighting with the notion of picking up my cell and making a call.

But heck, i'd probably be left talking to the phone operator who would connect me to voicemail.

'Sorry, the number you have dialed is currently not available,at the term, please leave a message after the beep. *beep*'

No, i don't think i'll call. If i have to talk, it'll be face-to-face.

and this would be a great time to sing that song...

'when will i see you again?'

pain spelled backwards gives you regret.

still hurts la. Just wondering how much longer do i have to take this?

until things work out? or until i forget?

EDIT 10.59 pm.

If i hadn't fall for you,
we'd probably still be laughing together at lame jokes right?

If i hadn't fall for you,
i could probably still look at you with innocent eyes.

If i hadn't fall for you,
none of this would have happened right?

If i hadn't fall for you,
i wouldn't be here typing this, no?

I remember during that time i could only look at the back of you, walking away. Now, i only have pictures to look at. How much pathethic can i be?

I wonder what happened to all the promises and plans we made.

Oh well, technically we're all adults now. You go your way, i'll follow mine. It's not that i hate you or anything, but i guess it'll be better for me...and you.

though this might turn out to be quite a pain.....





if only i could give a proper farewell.....

Minced heart,mashed feelings. Wonderful recipe.

If you think falling asleep is hard, you should try waking up.

Kinda sucks to be me now. Well, maybe not. I don't know. I keep thinking about that day, with a lot of should-have-been scenarios running through my head. It's like giving yourself a mental kick in the brain, like, how stupid can i get? Dammit, the distance was so close, closer than usual. And i was fidgeting like a tit-mouse. Heck, i couldn't even squeek, let alone talk.

Ergh.

Fine fine, excuses. don't need to remind me.

I remembered, not too long ago, i told myself i wouldn't regret my decision. I chose to let it end this way.

Smirk, you bastards from above, i'm eating my words now.

Sigh, i can't concentrate, i can't study. What am i supposed to do now? This is worse than before. I need....to talk.

Emo queen ar emo queen, where are you when i need you most?

Oh well, at least some small joys:

1)officially Taylor-ian now. Screw CHS.
2) my bottom braces have been removed. =) god, nearly forgotten how it felt like without braces.

What have i done?

I opened my eyes. I closed them in an instance.

I don't want to wake up, i don't want to feel.

If it were any possible, i think this sense of loss is eating me inside-out.

So this is what it feels like to wake up with Regret on your mind.

Whatever happened to 'Good Morning'?

the countdown ends.

So, the play of childhood has finally come to an end, the curtains fall down and we all take a bow.

Hard to believe is it? I can.

Leaving school wasn't really that hard, in fact, it seemed so...well, normal to me. It's those whom i'm leaving behind and might never see again that's choking me up. Those i love and cherish but never had the chance to express myself. I'll miss all of you, believe me.

I only carry two regrets.

1)No,i did not do it. Yeap,i just ran away, something i'm good at. I did not even say a proper goodbye. So this is me. Sigh. I rather feel physical pain than this. No point saying sorry now, the countdown was redundant. I'm still suffering and i did not make things right. Loser=me.

If only i'd listen to Gabby, Elle or Wei Ren, things might've turned out differently. =(

I still remember so well, that last year, around this time, we were playing that stupid charade game. Haha. Dang, i was good at it, was i not? Oh, and i remembered that Hallo'ween Night. Haha. Good times.

Oh wait, today's Hallo'ween. Minus the celebration. Oh well.

2) Of all my 5 years in CHS, i have never tried our canteen's Chee Cheong Fun. I kid you not.

Words can't express what i'm feeling now. All i know is, it's not something good. But what's done is done. I can only hope the ones i offended will remember me for the good times, if there were any.

so my story ended just like how i predicted, but not the way i wanted it to be.

I did not cry in school, not even close.

so i brought it back home.

EDIT. 11.19pm.

I thought i could lie to myself, convince myself that i'm ok with it.
It was so terribly hard for me. They were just there, dammit, just a goddamn row in front of me. I couldn't even bring myself to be in class, just because they were there. I chose to hide. Fuck. I really hate myself for this. Now, i think i'll wake up every morning, thinking about today.

All this cooked-up drama marinated by myself. And i kept bragging i could cook well.
Fuck this shit.
If someone,anyone, could come up to me now and start whooping me senseless, oh yeah, i'd enjoy that.

I.Need.To.Rip.Something.

So it turns back to me and gnaws my big flabby ass.

I really don't know whether i should cry or laugh out loud.

I'll settle for both.

These 5 months....approx 150 days, was a living nightmare. A dark void i moulded myself and so blindly drowned in it. I was...well, stupid i guess. No, more than stupid. heh.

Elle was right. Gabby was right. I was wrong, all along, as usual. Why does it take only a few seconds to fall asleep but an eternity to wake up?

No, it's not that i can't, it's not that i won't, but i really can't walk up and say sorry, even if you shower me with all your forgiveness. I hate myself for this. Perhaps i'm wallowing in self-pity, i don't know, but i can't face any of you, after all this. Yea, you could say i'm ashamed of myself.

Yes, coward i am. They say running away is just delaying the problem. Nope, to me, running away is an option. A dumb one, but still a valid option.

Sigh.

True, i probably should've just sucked it up like a man, but i'm a boy. heh.

Still, it was a great pleasure knowing you. It really was. sorry for all the shit you had to take from me. Sorry for all the wrongs i've done. And sorry for not saying sorry earlier than i should have.

I was never to begin with, a good friend. Everyone would do so much better without me.

Tomorrow is graduation. So we can all stop being kids and start acting like the adults we should be. So ends the chapter of childhood. Yeah, memories and regrets, i have tons of them, but as Cheryl said: those are the itsy-bitsy pieces that makes up our high school life.

With that, i end this post with...

1 more day left to suffer, 1 more day left to make things right.